you wouldn't even recognize me anymore..not that you knew me back then

You dont even know who I am. You're not even remotely concerned with finding out. You know enough for your agenda. You know what buttons to press to get the best result for you. I guess that's human nature. I want to be more,I want to be something, anything at all that could be made relevant. I feel defeated and stagnant. Being a convenience is starting to be very inconvenient.

I want crazy.. 2

I was thinking about the name thing. I am certain that I don't want to put his real name here. Not that I think anyone reads what I write but in the even that someone does I don't want to put his business out there like that. And most anyone who I would feel comfortable with sharing names with would already know. We've called him a lot of things over the years when we were speaking our girl code on the patio but only 2 have really had much significance. My best friend used to call him Zucco. The idea came from Grease, she believed he was my Danny Zucco. The bad boy who saw the wholesome(yeah because thats me) girl from a distance and while he wanted her he knew she didn't fit his lifestyle. He was my bad boy. I was simple and "preppy" he was covered in tattos and "rough". He was outspoken and outgoing in all directions and venues, a true artist. I was not quite ready to jump into things that didn't make me comfortable and struggling to find the art in my life. He was the Danny to my Sandy.. my friend and I both knew I would be willing to check into my "bad" side if it would get his attention. That lasted a long time. But there was one name that has stuck throughout the entire 6 years. He's my ginger. I would use that all the time and here recently someone else refered to him this way. He used to always joke that being ginger he didn't have a soul. I always knew I'd be willing to share my soul with him.. if it would make him happy. He once was and will always be my ginger. But there really isn't a way to use either of those names in the course of the story... I'm still not even sure I want to tell the story.. We aren't really as different as I once believed. We cry.. we hurt.. we refuse to fail.. we commit with our whole hearts.. we care too much about those we honestly care about.. and probably too little about ourselves. We are both broken and flawed. Neither of us feel the need to be fixed and both of us know that if that's even possible it will come from within. No matter what you call him..My feelings are the same. I will always love every broken part of him with every broken part of me. My ginger Danny Zucco..

Maybe I should take my own advice...

"Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between the things that you want in life and the things that are meant to be. Wanting someone or something to work with your entire heart doesn’t mean it’s the course your life is intended to be on. You can have all the hope in the world and if it’s not meant to be then hope is inherently lost in the things that are. Sometimes we just don’t see what is right in front of our face and sometimes we can’t see past it. I read over this blog and I remember some of the lowest points of my life because I was convinced that I knew what was supposed to be happening and couldn’t seem to get myself there. I wanted to become someone that wasn’t inside me in order to obtain someone that wasn’t meant for me. For that I lost hope in the potential beauty that was inside.. About three years ago I let go of something that has been in the back of my mind every day since. I didn’t fight, I didn’t mourn, I didn’t complain.. I simply let go. I did what I thought was right for everyone. The hope that I had was put into someone else’s future and happiness and I believed it was all I could do. So I did nothing. I allowed myself to lose the grasp on something that meant the world to me in hopes that it would land where it was meant to be. And that hope failed as well. On an epic scale.This puts me in a predicament. I’m fighting against all that is in me not to regain hope. I want this more than I have wanted anything in a very long time. I can close my eyes and see a happy place instead of living through everyone else’s fairy tales. But that still doesn’t make it right. I tell myself that the old saying says if you love something let it go, and I did.. and that if it comes back it was meant to be.. now that it’s come back, it’s not the same as it was before. Its more unattainable than ever. Now its time to mourn. Time to mourn my lack of hope, my failed hope, my misplaced hope.. Time to mourn the loss of two people that were connected by heart and soul and replaced by two people who are simply watching life pass them by and hoping that they made a positive contribution somewhere. Two people who are waiting to see what happens to them instead of making a change. " Yes, I've posted this before. I guess maybe somewhere inside I knew that I would need it again in the future. The thing is, I didn't follow my own advice. I let myself be lost in something that I knew at the time this was written was not meant to be. Well maybe its not fair to say that, its not meant to be now and it may never in the future. Reading over this entire thing again seems to be giving me comfort from my own words in a way that no one else can. Well, someone else could, they just aren't in a place to provide it.

I think I was wrong

I'm not sure I will finish the other story. Or rather not in a forum that can be viewed. I've decided that the details that would be put into the story are not details I would want to share with the world. They are the last parts I have of the relationship and I would like to keep that for me. Someone told me they thought I could write a book. I think that story is the only one that would house enough emotion to actually get a reader base but at this time I'm not ready for that. Partly because of the sensitivity I still feel in regards to the situation and partly because of the light that has fallen on it as of recent. I think maybe it was more of a fictional story than I originally believed. I think that I had an idea of something beautiful and wanted to believe there was still something beautiful out there for me. Because of that I allowed myself to see things that weren't really there and feel emotions that had no justification. Sharing that is probably saying even too much. But now its time for me to resolve those feelings inside myself and move on to find a new story to write. It doesn't diminish the one at hand, only says that maybe its really not the end. I have to believe that I am an amazing person and that some day my actions and motivations will be returned. I have to believe that I can't lose conciousness to myself. I said I wouldn't do that when all of this started and I have failed myself miserably. I think in regards to entire concept I was the only one to fail me. I knew what I was doing every step of the way. I knew the choices I was making. I knew the pain and consequence it would bring and I still progressed forward. I still have hope for this situation. Hope that I won't lose the truth in the matter to the hurt that I feel now. But all in all, the story isn't for any of you. Its for me.

I want crazy

Once upon a time in a galaxy far away I was a normal girl. Before I had loved and lost. I don’t want to give the wrong impression. This isn’t a fairytale. It’s not a story of boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after. This is the tale of a true love unrequited. A tale of hope turned to bitterness that could not be removed. That’s not to say there weren’t fairytale moments, it’s most definitely the story of my prince. My Romeo if you will. That story is much more aligned.. star crossed lovers who upon giving into their love reach their demise. I don’t mean to discourage you from reading the story, I would actually recommend it. Not just because it comes from my heart or because I feel like it’s the best writing of my life, but because sometimes we need to feel pain to understand happiness. We need to know that no matter how badly we want something in life, doesn’t mean it’s the right course. We can’t always depend on the love story that ends with the glass slipper or the kiss that brings you back from the dead. Sometimes we need to experience the love story that prepares our hearts for reality. Sometimes preparation is our best defense. So I willingly invite you to come on this journey with me. A journey of heartache and self-actualization. I volunteer to share my pain for your entertainment and hopefully give some insight. I can’t promise you’ll like it. I can’t promise you’ll learn from it. I can promise that what you will read comes from the utmost truth of my inner being. That I will do everything in my power to put enough finesse in my words to show the passion, anger, love, frustration defeat and release that my one true love has brought me. I can promise that I will do so from a place of peace and earnest conviction and not from a place of hurt and desolation. So.. if you’re ready, hold on tight. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. I walked into that building just as I had every day for 6 years. I loved my job. I loved the people I worked with. So many ups and downs happened in that building. I started out at 19 years old with no knowledge of myself or the world. I had gotten into a fight with my dad over a long distance bill(because of a boy) and decided I had to take the first job I could find that would let me move out of his house. And of course pay the bill. I didn’t expect to stay for any length of time; this job was something I would do until I found what my true calling was. Within three months I knew that my career had started and that I would someday be someone in this place. Twelve years later I still haven’t reached that point, but it’s something I still aspire to. I moved up quickly in the building and after paying my dues for the first year I was promoted to management where I have sat ever since. There was nothing special about that day. I felt my best inside those walls and I started my work day with the same feelings of ambition and motivation every day. I had a definite dedication to my business as well as to those I supported and those who supported me. I got the work day started and went out to my first break on the patio. I noticed a small group of people surrounding a tall red headed face I hadn’t seen before. It was probably the following that got my attention, yet it was the tone in his voice that kept it. Sitting here writing that, I don’t think I ever told him that. I don’t think I ever told him that his voice was like music to me. Even the harshest words had the gentlest effect when he was the one speaking. Anyhow.. I couldn’t tell you what he was saying or what he was talking about that day but I can tell you that I knew I could listen to that voice for hours on end. It was one of those voices that mellows you out. Definitely a voice that would be successful in a call center. Definitely a voice that would be successful with the ladies. I sat there on the bench resting my head against the wall and listened. I remember hearing bits and pieces about training. That would explain why I didn’t know who this character was, he was new to the site. In this business people come and go. I’m sure that for every person who has come into this place and left their mark on my life another 100 have come and gone without any notice at all. None have had the impact that he has. Not by association or an active role in my life. Certainly not by voice alone. I listened from a distance for a while before I ever had the need to introduce myself. This is even more interesting because the concept of distance has played a very integral part in our relationship to date. It’s a term I have become increasingly aware of and devastatingly comfortable with. It bothers me that I can’t tell you the first encounter we had. I’m sure it was work related as our relationship was for a very long time. Both of us were already in personally committed situations and there was no need or opportunity for our lives outside of the building to mix. I can’t even tell you the moment I would say we went from colleagues to friends. It just happened, like it was meant to be that way. You would think that with all the tiny details that I remember about the past five years that I would remember both of these moments more clearly. I’m sure that the circumstances in my life at the time overwhelmed something that seemed so innocent and nonchalant at the time. I was dealing with some very delicate parts of my life. My son was still young and I wanted to make sure that I made all the right choices for him. At the time I was in a relationship that I thought I would spend the rest of my life in. It wasn’t for another three years that I would learn the damage this relationship had on my personal growth, my growth as a mother and this love story in particular. See, I’m that kind of person. Once I have committed myself to something, come rain or shine I’m going to hold strong because it’s what I said I would do. I’m starting to learn that maybe that isn’t the best life practice to have. I’m coming to terms with the idea that although we may commit to something at a given moment, things change and sometimes what we’ve committed to doesn’t even exist anymore. If I go much farther into that, I’m going to ruin the story.. that’s something else I have a real knack for.. but I digress. One of the first things I noticed about him, other than his voice, was his arrogance. That is something that has held true through the years and oddly enough one of the things I love the most about him. He has strengths that I always wish I had. Someone asked me the other day if I could have any super power what it would be. At the time I said time travel.. given the current state of my life that made perfect sense. If I was to answer that question now I would say self-confidence. That’s not a super power? I would beg to differ. Show me an average person who has a good grasp on self-confidence. The only people I can think of in my life that are capable of this I would most definitely deem super heroes. To have the ability to believe in myself and my character traits regardless of circumstance or criticism is something I definitely wish I had learned from him. His knowledge of himself was rarely faltering. I wish I could say never faltering. That might change the way this story was written. I feel like I should take the time to explain something here now that I’ve gotten far enough into it. Generally in writing when a character isn’t given a name it’s because they are not important enough to be given one. Main characters are generally names by their character flaws. Irrelevant characters are given roles but never given names. I have yet to give a name to my main character. This is not because of a lack of importance but instead because of over importance. I feel like it’s necessary to change the names to protect the innocent(or the guilty as he so aptly added), but I just can’t call him by any other name. I sat here for over an hour trying to think of a way to give him a name that would represent all he was to me. All he is to me. I know Shakespeare taught me that the name doesn’t hold the significance, but I just can’t seem to do it. He is who is he. For me to call him anything else makes the story fictional on some level and I just can’t do that. For this reason he may never have a name. I find peace with that in knowing that if by any chance he really does read this, he will know who he is. I’ve wrecked my brain trying to remember all of the little details. I can get bits and pieces. I remember there being a conversation on the patio about what we all though was the best movie of all time. I placed myself in this conversation as I have an affinity towards movies. I told him that I believed Fight Club was the best movie of all time. When he asked me why I told him I had already said too much and that I wasn’t interested in breaking the rules further. That’s the first time I saw that laugh with the wrinkle in his nose. I made it a point after that to see if I could get him to laugh like that. He’s always been a generally happy guy but when you saw that wrinkle you knew that the laugh was sincere. I remember seeing that today and the effects it had on me. Not the effects I was used to. But again I seem to be getting ahead of myself.

God gave me you for the ups and downs..

People just keep talking I don’t know what to think Everyone on the outside seems to know so much more than me. I’m running in circles A free fall to defeat.. Your smile says it all With your demons I couldn’t compete. The truth doesn’t come easy Acceptance is the key Your life is a better place, without the burden of me.

Just when you think, You've got me figured out

I’ve dusted off my place on the shelf.. I know it’s almost time to return.  It was nice to be removed if even for a brief moment after the lengths I have spent sitting there and watching the world pass by in blurs of color and emotion.  A little while ago someone seemed to place a cover over the shelf.  Time passed easier when I didn’t see what was happening in the real space of time.  I couldn’t see the laughter or the tears. I lost track of the days,  I don’t even know how long it had been before that cover was removed and the reality of life was blinding.  I wasn’t prepared for what was there, I’m not sure I would have been prepared if I would have seen it unfold. 

I’ve been lost in my own expanse of silence and darkness for the longest time.  Silence has become my best friend.  The darkness has kept the memories of life at bay.  This combination worked.  Now that I’ve been brought back into real emotion I don’t know how to handle it correctly.  Silence and darkness work together, emotions and life work against each other.  I feel nothing for fear of feeling too much. 

I let you in.  I opened myself, my fears, my emotions, my insecurities, my misgivings.. I opened everything up and let down the walls and exposed myself.  I stood there in the most vulnerable state I have ever presented upon myself and I accepted your intimacy.  Your touch, your breath, your heartbeat.. they were real.  Your truth, your presence, your livelihood pressed further into my vulnerability than I was prepared for.  For 5 hours I was perfectly content.  There was no one I would rather be and no place I would rather occupy.  I was at peace with myself and the world around me.  IT was worth it.

I knew even in that moment that the shelf was still waiting for my return.  When it comes to you and me, that’s where things always end. The timing is never right.  The feelings are always out of place or too intense.  There’s no room for what we want and what we need seems to always fall back into distance.   So I’ve dusted off my space, put the walls back and accepted the inevitable.  I would like to request the cover though.. If I’m going to sit on the outside I think I prefer not to know what I’m missing.  I’ll occupy my space until the time again comes that you need to be complete.  The missing puzzle piece if you will.. The edges are damaged, but so is the vessel.  I’ll wait for you always or at least as long as the piece still fits. 

No body was supposed to know..

I found myself doing something lately I said I would never do.  I am allowing myself to be defined in my mind by my flaws.  I blame it on the manic phases, I blame it on the inability to control overwhelming sadness.  What I need to do is take control of who I am as a person and stop letting it be a crutch to fall off of.  I’ve been handling my life this way for 13 years.  For 13 years I’ve been able to make the right decisions to prevent anyone from having to label me.  My number one mistake was telling anyone.  They didn’t need to know.  They didn’t need to be able to pass that judgment.  I am the only one who needs to be able to judge that side of me.  I am the only one who needed to know.  And now I allow myself to be upset because I shared those details.  It was guarded for a reason.  I fell apart and I could have lied.  I could have kept everyone on the other side of the wall.  Now I question every interaction.  I question every bit of support and ever silence as a judgment for what they know. Why did I let them know? I thought for a minute that these were going to be people I spent the rest of my life with.  That the deserved to be a part of everything.  I was wrong.. I turned them into people I will never trust, because I can’t trust that part of myself. 

As good as I once was

Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between the things that you want in life and the things that are meant to be.  Wanting someone or something to work with your entire heart doesn’t mean it’s the course your life is intended to be on.  You can have all the hope in the world and if it’s not meant to be then hope is inherently lost in the things that are.  Sometimes we just don’t see what is right in front of our face and sometimes we can’t see past it.    I read over this blog and I remember some of the lowest points of my life because I was convinced that I knew what was supposed to be happening and couldn’t seem to get myself there.  I wanted to become someone that wasn’t inside me in order to obtain someone that wasn’t meant for me.  For that I lost hope in the potential beauty that was inside..

About three years ago I let go of something that has been in the back of my mind every day since. I didn’t fight, I didn’t mourn, I didn’t complain..  I simply let go.  I did what I thought was right for everyone.  The hope that I had was put into someone else’s future and happiness and I believed it was all I could do.  So I did nothing. I allowed myself to lose the grasp on something that meant the world to me in hopes that it would land where it was meant to be.  And that hope failed as well.  On an epic scale.

This puts me in a predicament.  I’m fighting against all that is in me not to regain hope. I want this more than I have wanted anything in a very long time. I can close my eyes and see a happy place instead of living through everyone else’s fairy tales.  But that still doesn’t make it right.  I tell myself that the old saying says if you love something let it go, and I did.. and that if it comes back it was meant to be.. now that it’s come back, it’s not the same as it was before.  Its more unattainable than ever. 

Now its time to mourn.  Time to mourn my lack of hope, my failed hope, my misplaced hope.. Time to mourn the loss of two people that were connected by heart and soul and replaced by two people who are simply watching life pass them by and hoping that they made a positive contribution somewhere.  Two people who are waiting to see what happens to them instead of making a change. 

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends

 I don't even know who I am any more.  I know who I want to be, but you see I seem to only be her in my dreams.  Maybe that's why I sleep so much.  In my dreams you're still there.  Sometimes at a distance and other times closer than ever before, but in my dreams a connection between us still exists.  I have amazing friends.  I wish I could be the same for them, but I'm afraid to put myself out there.. Afraid because of you.  I told you of these fears and you always reassured me that you would be there always.  That was a lie.  Where are you now? Are you happy? Are you complete? Do you still wear my bracelet? Does it even matter... It doesn't.  What matters are those that haven't betrayed me even when I have made it clear you are the only one.  They stood by me waiting for me to see the flaws in my interpretation.  I love them now.  I think I loved them then but I saw nothing other than you.  I owe these friends to you and I am grateful.  They keep my going and remind me that its your loss.  I disagree with them, but the sentiment is nice.

The basis is need to know, if you don't know just how I feel,

19 months later I like to think that when I talk to you, you still hear me.  Honestly I know that 12 months ago you decided that nothing I could say would matter.  I love you still.  I'm afraid of that.  Afraid that I will find this amazing man and fall in love and get married and that 10 years later you will finally appear and I will throw away 10 years just to answer your call.  I think often times about what would happen if I saw you again. Say I was walking through the mall and you appeared.  Would I turn and walk away? Would I try and pretend I didn't notice and see if you did? I think in those paralyzing  moments when our eyes met all I would be able to say if I love you.  If everything was stripped from me in my natural life I think I would always know that I love you.  You will always be the one.. or maybe you won't.  Thats the first time I've been able to say that.. But no matter what at this moment I love you still. When I close my eyes I love you still.

How did I miss it..

You told me once that you felt that you were evil.  That everyone has a string of black and white beads and your string has one more black than white and you have to fight yourself daily just to be average and not evil.  You told me that you took pleasure in hurting people. That you found joy in causing someone mental pain because those scars don't heal.  How did I not hear you plotting my demise? How did I not realize that because you did care about me on some level you were giving me warning.. foreshadowing to what would happen if I continued to allow myself to love you.  I guess you were right.. while my heart is weak, yet mended, my mind is still raw with the pain you caused...

A heart won't lie

I see beauty in you that I don't see in the world.  I trust you with my heart and my life.  You proved tonight that you deserve it.  You chose not to accept one to save the other.  You're right.  Right now my heart is broken, no one would want to accept a broken heart. Its not right to offer it.  But, if you can't accept my heart, accept my hope.
I hope that even if you never have such feelings for me, some day, someone will.  I hope that in that moment I can experience something as pure and genuine as I feel when I see myself in your eyes.
You give me hope, for me.

Mary was married with children, had the perfect suburban life..

I heard something yesterday that I thought at one point in time was all I ever wanted to hear.  I knew how things would play out and the way the story would go if it would just take that turn for the better.  If those words could just be spoken, if what I dreamed could only be confirmed, life would be beautiful. Then... The words came out and I was frozen.  Somewhere inside myself I felt the overwhelming warmth of love. True, genuine, love.  The kind of love that hasn't been damaged by society and circumstance.  But on the surface in my real self it brought the strangest sense of self actualization.  The understanding that I was only going to be enough for someone who didn't need anything.  That I was only going to feel this love from people who did not have it to give.  Then immediately I went to the responses that were appropriate for the situation.  I can remember going through that same process once before on a much larger level.  The feelings of that time were proven to be nothing but fabrications.  Lies. Burdens. Now I sit here today and I wonder if everything I had yesterday fits in the same category.  I mean obviously it does.  I never had the first, I never had the second.  But in the moment that I heard those words on both occasion I was able to believe it and allow it to be true for a brief time.  Those cumulative 10 seconds may be the best 10 seconds of my life outside of motherhood.  What I wouldn't give to be able to provide the same for someone else.. I say someone.. but we know who it is..

Here Comes the Bride?!

This starts off as a true story.. an replay of events that I have found myself fixed on lately.. As I turned the corner you were already standing where the two halls met, waiting. 8:15am on the dot, every morning. I walked up and we turned to the patio with that awkward sideways hug and our normal morning pleasantries.
I took my seat, first bench at the second table. You took yours on top of the table with your feet occupying the space next to me. I looked up into your eyes as you started the morning conversation. I heard her name and prepared my response in the back of my mind. I was ready for another tale of how she made you feel worthless or how you thought she was cheating. I was all ready to tell you how you deserved better. I thought I was prepared for what was about to come out of your mouth because I had been through this exact scenario with you at least 3 times a week for about 4 months. I didn't even have to listen anymore, I could count your freckles and watch you smile and I would still be ready with an uplifting speech when it was my turn. Wait.. did you just say proposed? Engaged??!! Were you looking at me waiting for an excited shriek and an immediate congratulations? Something must have gone horribly wrong, I didn't hear it right.. Shocked? Well thats one word.. Shocked.. disappointed... crushed..
Come to the wedding.. ? This is where the replay stops and my media player of my mind fills in what should have happened.. This is where my regret is manifested by the words that should have come flowing in this moment in time..
I'm sorry, I can't. I won't. She doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. We deserve a chance. I want to make you feel wanted! I love you. I'm not even going to begin to say I'm "in love" with you.. I don't even know if thats true and to use that in this moment would be cruel and unfair but I could.. given the opportunity. I kept telling myself that you knew it was there, just under the surface and you choose not to acknowledge it because you're happy in the life you have.  I kept saying I would always keep it inside and you would never know.. but you aren't happy.. and even if the words were never spoken we would both always know. Before I can let you close this door I have to make sure you know its open..
You said only this "I'll be at your house at 7" I didn't see you again all day. My stomach turned and my eyes glistened. I didn't know how to feel or think or what would happen.  Normal was over, routine had passed.. this was unchartered and I hate being out of control.. and I've never felt so out of control in my life..
The time came and the doorbell rang.. I opened the door, there you were.. You stepped in and opened your arms, I fell into them feeling that things were different because they were absolutely the same.

In the water where I center my emotion All the world can pass me by

It’s like the end of a movie when you see the main character reach that optimal point of self actualization where they see themselves and the life they were meant to have like it was on a home movie screen.  The inner most desires and intimate details are no longer pushed back and hidden underneath the burden that became real life. 

She sat there in yet another pointless meeting where each speaker stood to give their all knowing opinion on what was undoubtedly the most important topic of the moment.  The one thing that everyone needed to commit to in order to save the company, the planet, themselves, or something.  Her thoughts began to reach out to what it would really take to save herself.   Can any sense be made out of such total chaos? She sat back and let her mind wander into this more important train of thought.  She waited for the movie to start.  She’d seen this movie before, the family Christmases and vacations.  A beautiful wedding to a faceless man and the birth of faceless children.  Even after she committed herself to a marriage without a heart she continued to see these things without clarity on who would come to play the main characters.  Now that she had found a person she felt linked to her inner being, her soul mate, she wondered if this face would now be filled in.  How does it work when all the things you’ve dreamed of for your life have no meaning to the person you want to share them with?  Does the movie change to some compromise that would meet the needs of both main characters?  Do you continue to see what you want only with the aching understanding that these things will never come true?  Or do your desires change to line up with that of the person you so willingly give your hopes and dreams over to?  As the screen finally turned white and she could hear the projector start turning she was brought back to the world of call flows and occupancy as she realized that the meeting was coming to an end.  Another day with nothing accomplished, no greater understanding of the business world, herself or the meaning of life.