No body was supposed to know..

I found myself doing something lately I said I would never do.  I am allowing myself to be defined in my mind by my flaws.  I blame it on the manic phases, I blame it on the inability to control overwhelming sadness.  What I need to do is take control of who I am as a person and stop letting it be a crutch to fall off of.  I’ve been handling my life this way for 13 years.  For 13 years I’ve been able to make the right decisions to prevent anyone from having to label me.  My number one mistake was telling anyone.  They didn’t need to know.  They didn’t need to be able to pass that judgment.  I am the only one who needs to be able to judge that side of me.  I am the only one who needed to know.  And now I allow myself to be upset because I shared those details.  It was guarded for a reason.  I fell apart and I could have lied.  I could have kept everyone on the other side of the wall.  Now I question every interaction.  I question every bit of support and ever silence as a judgment for what they know. Why did I let them know? I thought for a minute that these were going to be people I spent the rest of my life with.  That the deserved to be a part of everything.  I was wrong.. I turned them into people I will never trust, because I can’t trust that part of myself.