As good as I once was

Sometimes it’s hard to differentiate between the things that you want in life and the things that are meant to be.  Wanting someone or something to work with your entire heart doesn’t mean it’s the course your life is intended to be on.  You can have all the hope in the world and if it’s not meant to be then hope is inherently lost in the things that are.  Sometimes we just don’t see what is right in front of our face and sometimes we can’t see past it.    I read over this blog and I remember some of the lowest points of my life because I was convinced that I knew what was supposed to be happening and couldn’t seem to get myself there.  I wanted to become someone that wasn’t inside me in order to obtain someone that wasn’t meant for me.  For that I lost hope in the potential beauty that was inside..

About three years ago I let go of something that has been in the back of my mind every day since. I didn’t fight, I didn’t mourn, I didn’t complain..  I simply let go.  I did what I thought was right for everyone.  The hope that I had was put into someone else’s future and happiness and I believed it was all I could do.  So I did nothing. I allowed myself to lose the grasp on something that meant the world to me in hopes that it would land where it was meant to be.  And that hope failed as well.  On an epic scale.

This puts me in a predicament.  I’m fighting against all that is in me not to regain hope. I want this more than I have wanted anything in a very long time. I can close my eyes and see a happy place instead of living through everyone else’s fairy tales.  But that still doesn’t make it right.  I tell myself that the old saying says if you love something let it go, and I did.. and that if it comes back it was meant to be.. now that it’s come back, it’s not the same as it was before.  Its more unattainable than ever. 

Now its time to mourn.  Time to mourn my lack of hope, my failed hope, my misplaced hope.. Time to mourn the loss of two people that were connected by heart and soul and replaced by two people who are simply watching life pass them by and hoping that they made a positive contribution somewhere.  Two people who are waiting to see what happens to them instead of making a change.