It's complicated

Who would have thought I would miss you. I don't say that to be rude. I knew that losing someone that holds a big place in your life always comes with some amount of pain and grieving. But I just figured I'd process that and move on. I never thought I'd actually miss you. And still, not trying to be rude, it's not the romantic part I miss. Its the friendship. Knowing you would always be there to share any news with me, good or bad. The way that you always seemed to text me when I needed to hear from someone and even when you didn't know what to say you tried. I was never as good of a friend to you as you were to me. If I was I never would have crossed that line. I'm not saying I regret our time together because that's not true. I meant every word I said during those 4 months and I'm sorry that everything changed for me because I know that it didn't change for you until I didn't give you a choice. Regret isn't the word for it. But I am sad, because if I had never taken that step I never would have broken your heart and we never would have lost the bond we had which really was something special. I'm sorry I ghosted you, but it was the only way. And I know how desperately that hurts because someone once did the same to me. Over time I realized he did the right thing. The best thing for me, and I hope that at some point that's the way you see it too. You told me that I was your first great loss. That I was the one to break you. That along with the look on your face when I told you I couldn't do it anymore and the manner with which you walked out my door that last time and looked back like you were waiting on me to say I changed my mind, those things hurt me inside in a way that I'm not sure I had been hurt before. It didn't take you too long to process and move on and I found comfort in that. Lately I've thought of texting you just to tell you that I hope you're doing well, but I burned that bridge. I just couldn't answer the questions that you kept asking me any better than I already had and that frustrated me. I'm sorry if you didn't feel like you got an answer. If there was never any closure for you. Or if I really did break you the way you say I did. I know you always wanted to be as good as him. The same as him. Better than him. But you see, he's the one. And you held your place, and I did have a deep love for you, just not in the way you needed me too. And sadly, that was all you were willing to accept.