Grief

Grieving a lost relationship is hard, and its not what you think. I’ve processed that one. I don’t want it back, although sometimes I still think of the good times fondly. I have come to realize nothing positive ever came from going back to him. The good times were good, but they were over a long long time ago. We aren’t the same people and the people we are now really have no business even being friends… But that relationship, I do feel, lead to a lot of grief in my life now. Of course, I could talk about Greyson and go on and on but for now, for today, I am at peace with that too. Although it didn’t happen the way I wanted it to, God still chose me to be his mother and I have done the best with the absolutely impossible circumstances that were given to me. That’s not what’s hurting me this morning either. I miss you. More than I ever though I would. And not in a lovesick kind of way, I’m passed that point in our lives and on some level, I realize that it also played a large part in the demise of something very vitally important to me. You were my best friend. Sure, I’ve always said B was my best friend and he definitely holds a very special place in my heart, but you were the one I could call. Day or night, rain or shine, you were the one that would answer the phone. I think of the night of the long text conversation where I asked you a million questions and got to know your thoughts, fears and desires and I think that moment changed a lot for me. You were willing to open yourself up as a person and let me get to know who you really were. I found a love for that person that ran so much deeper than any romantic relationship would have been enough for. You were my best friend. You were there with me through so much always willing to tell me the hard truths no one else was willing to tell, even though you did it in such a passive aggressive manner. You were the one who wanted me to be complete, who wanted me to heal and wanted me to walk away from things that were toxic. Maybe if I had listened, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I don’t doubt that I did the right thing. Your heart was never going to let go of me and back track to that role that we were perfect for as long as I was available to you. I had to break things, including both of our hearts the way I did for you to reach the happiness you have now. I know you think it didn’t break my heart.. maybe at first it didn’t but my heart aches now for my best friend. I wish the path that seems so necessary hadn’t taken our friendship and put it in a perpetual state of ruin. I wish it hadn’t damaged things past the point of repair. I wish I could call you and hear all about your life and share what’s happening in mine. That’s what hurts me the most is that so much is happening for both of us and the other will never know. On nights where I get overwhelmed and sad, I miss you the most. You may not have always known what to say, but you were always there to say something. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for where we are now and where we could have gone and for giving into things that caused this to happen. I’m sorry I won’t hold your baby.. I’m sorry I don’t even know her name. I’m sorry I won’t ever get to see you be a dad. I’m sorry you won’t see Ethan grow up, that you won’t see me grow up. That we won’t see each other grow up… I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for my lack of explanation when you begged for it. I’m sorry that I didn’t just let things happen in a more natural course and I forced what I thought was right. But who am I kidding, we both know me.. I do think you most likely still know me better than most… and I’m not one to just let things go or let things happen. I just want you to know that when I woke up this morning my first thought was.. I’m sorry. I wish I could change the way it all turned out. I wish I still had my best friend. I hope your life and all that it brings you is amazing and you get everything you deserve.