I'm on the top of the world, lookin, down on creation

I am not a grey area kind of girl. Every move I make is calculated and intentional. Even the self destructive ones. I weigh pros and cons and benefits and consequences and I make choices, often times the wrong choices, based off carefully processed data in my mind. I have always seen the black and white. I have always seen the right and wrong. I have always respected control and precision. So now, I'm losing my mind. I feel like when I walked out those doors on September 21 I walked away from everything I knew. I lost everything and everyone that was still inside. I lost myself. I lost my control. I lost my consistency and my routine. I get up every morning now and I don't have anywhere to be. I don't have anyone to be. My beliefs of myself are shaken. As I search for a new consistency and a new routine, is it also time to search for a new version of myself? There is only one constant in my life. And it shatters me on the daily. It breaks my heart. It controls my mind. It rents space in my head and my heart and if I look at the black and white, the calculated and intentional, its not worth it anymore. But this is the one place the grey area wins. This is the one place I have a reckless hope that drives a fiery passion in my soul. This part of me is ruled by emotion and a once great friend told me that the only predictable thing about emotions is that you can't control them. I'm trying to learn to control them. To shove them into the black and white, because that's what I'm comfortable with, and they don't want to fit. They aren't supposed to fit and it makes me very uncomfortable, in a very pleasant way. You've have always brought something out in me that isn't there when you aren't. I have never treated anything with reckless abandon the way I did with you. I have never thought outside the box or thrown caution to the wind the way I did with you. You believed in us so much that I couldn't not believe in you. Oh how the tides have turned. And I don't have it in me to be for you, what you were for me. And that kills me. You have been through so much in your life that I never had to deal with. You have been through so many things that should have made you jaded to life and love and yet you loved me unconditionally in a way that no one ever had before. You overcame so many obstacles and trials. You were never a victim and always a survivor. You were my hero. I learned to pick myself up, from you. And then it was over. Everything in my life seems to have an expiration date. I know they say you're dying from the moment that you're born but for some reason lately I feel like its going faster than it was before. Not just that time is passing faster or life is changing faster but that I'm falling apart. All of my black and white is gone. All that's left is a sea of grey and I don't have you with me as a safety mechanism anymore. I guess I should take responsibility for part of that. I walked away the first time. Not that I think we'd still be together if I hadn't had that meltdown on that dreary day in December. There were signs that we weren't who we used to be all over the place. You changed and grew more independent. I became more reserved and.. well.. boring. Wow.. this post is turning into quite the mess. Its random and illogical and has no flow whatsoever, but I guess that's who I am these days so why should this be any different. I guess the point I want to get across is that I'm scared. And I'm alone. And I'm generally not either of those things. I'm shaken. If everything I knew was fleeting, or wrong, or discombobulated, or ran its course of whatever you want to say, is my hope unfounded too? Is it time to let go? I wasn't given a choice but to let go of such a big part of my life recently. Should I just make a clean break and change everything? While my heart is already broken do I go ahead and shatter the little pieces that are left so that I only have to put it all back together once? Even if that is the right thing to do, do I have the strength emotionally and mentally to pull it off? My best friend told me today that I am the strongest person he knows unless there's a boy involved. Can I bring my strength into that area of my life as well? Or do I just let the weakness overcome the rest...