You, you, you oughta know

I miss my best friend.  The saddest part is that I'm starting to feel like maybe I never really was a friend to him.  Not like he was to me.  I was so focused on the way I thought things should be that I didn't even fully enjoy the best year of my life.  He let me be myself.. and I didn't listen to who he was. I was selfish. I continually told him what was best for him even when he told me that whether I was right or wrong, it wasn't what he wanted.  I was pushy and irritating. I'm surprised he didn't run from me sooner.  I believed him when he said he never would.. but that was no reason to try so hard to push him to do that very thing.  If I had been more accepting and understanding maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to disappear.  Maybe I would know if he was ok.. if he was happy.  I don't think it would have kept him here either way.. I understand what he did.  I used to think that I understood even better than he did.. but how could I.. I like to believe it wasn't an easy choice for him and that he had to come to terms with everything I have in order to do it. But maybe that is more selfishly wishful thinking.  I feel like I'm at the most desperate point in my life that I have ever been in.. and once again its my fault.  I took something real.. something beautiful and wasn't satisfied. I only wanted to make it better. Now I've lost the best parts of it.  Even the good memories.. the amazing memories are colored by the way that things ended. By the way I made them end.  One of the last things he said to me was that I saved him.. I guess after that he had to save himself from me...