Just when I thought that everything was starting to make sense.. I have had some bad days lately. Everything has a way of reminding me of you somehow. And I guess I've regressed because thinking of you makes me happy again. I don't have hope that you'll be back someday. I used to believe I would hear from you again.. maybe in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. But I know that you would never let me be right. After that final conversation.. you'd never let me be right.
I've been focusing on a lot of the lessons you taught me. While it broke my heart that you weren't there for me when my Mammaw passed.. you taught me something I needed to know to get over it. I can't worry about what I should have done, things I should have changed.. how I could have made it better or how she may have felt differently if I had been different.. because she's gone. She doesn't think anything of me anymore. The memories are all I have..
I guess thats how I should feel about you. It doesn't matter if I love you. It doesn't matter if I can't picture myself with anyone besides you. It doesn't matter that every time I hear that song I wish you were calling. That I just want to be able to say good bye. That just want you to know I'll always be there. That I just want to know that you're happy. That you don't regret your choices.. that you didn't get sad and depressed and fat... It doesn't matter because you're gone. You don't feel anything anymore. At least not in this context.
I know it sounds really sad and depressing. It would be easy to feel sorry for me the way I seem. But really, I'm ok. I'm slowly learning to accept things the way they are. To accept myself with who I am. To accept the people in my life who do love and haven't run away. To resolve the fact that while I do truly believe you loved me.. you did run away. To know that I already have the most amazing little man in my life and I don't need any others. That I have found the love of my life, eventhough its not what it sounds and is completely unconventional. I can make it. I'm proud of the resolutions I've made and the determination I've found. I'm proud that I've found a way to work towards being that version of me.. only without you. I have made it so far.. but that doesn't mean I can't have a bad day..
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