Signed Sober You

It has been a least a year since I put that last letter in the mail. I don't even know if you get them. I know the address is correct and I put the c/o line and everything but that doesn't mean they still live there. And if they do live there that doesn't mean the letter was ever given to you. Part of me likes to think that's the case since you never did reach out but I'm sure either way you wouldn't have.. pride does that for/to people. I figure I have just as good of a chance of you reading it here. And this way I can stop and say maybe I'm severing another part of that connection.. and that's necessary. I miss your crazy alien fingers and your always perfect hair. I miss the way I felt when you were with me.. I miss the love I felt from both of us. I hold tight to everything you taught me.. even in your leaving. B is good. He had his wisdom teeth out recently and I didn't even get any good video's. He says that its still pretty sore but that he's hanging in there. He still lives at the house with Mom and Memaw and is working at AT&T. He's become a little more reclusive than he's been in the past but as long as he's happy, I'm happy. He does still make time for me to come over so we can hang out. I spend a lot of time with his mom. She's become one of my best friends and gives me a mom I know will love me just like my own. He's been doing keto off and on and has lost some weight. He still plays WOW and is still a Panda character. He's an amazing uncle and Zoey is a great little girl. He tells stories all the time that put me in such awe of him and the way he can open up and love so selflessly. I'm not sure why, I have seen it in him the way he is with family and even Ethan but its different with Zoey. Anyhow, he's good. I don't really know anything about Smash that I didn't tell you last time. She still lives in Wisconsin and we don't really hear from her. The girls are doing great. Cheyenne graduated in Dec 18 and Morgan graduates in April 19 and they both have jobs as nurses. Morgan works at Covenant on the SICU, which is perfect for her personality type and life goals. She wants to be a CRNA but has to go through so much ICU training before she can. She lives with her boyfriend. He seems like a good guy. He doesn't have much to say but when he does open up it comes from a genuine place. She has a dog named Colt who she loves way too much. Cheyenne is working on a behavioral health floor and she likes it. She's the only RN there overnight so she's pretty important. Carter is 3 now and has started the 3 year old program and school and he's doing a great job. He still looks just like Cheyenne and is a total momma's boy, even though she said he would never be like Ethan... Cheyenne also had Madelynn on Ethan's 12 birthday. We knew he would either be excited or pissed off, thank goodness he was excited. She's almost 9 months old now and she is the pudgiest, sweetest little lady. Cheyenne is still married to Dalton and I suppose they are doing well. I still love those girls with everything in me and am so very proud of the women they have become and are continuing to grow into. E is amazing. He is almost 13 and is in the 7th grade now. He took his first girl to a dance last year and I handled it much better than anyone thought I would. We haven't quite hit puberty yet and so he still thinks I'm pretty cool. I'm going to hold onto that for as long as I can. Sometimes I start to get annoyed because its hot and he wants to sit on me or I'm busy and he wants to hold my hand but I try to always stop and realize he isn't going to want to do these things forever and I stop what I'm doing for this little miracle I created. He still has some stomach issues. He takes a heartburn pill daily and it seems to help. He's also started to wash his face and wear deodorant and all that other manly stuff. I'm just wondering when the growth spurt is coming because he's only about 5 foot tall but he wears a size 9 men's show so I know there is additional height in there somewhere. He still struggles some with reading and writing but has really taken off in math and social studies. He is accelerated for both of those classes and is passing with A's and high B's. The only thing we didn't do well on was Spanish this last 9 weeks. I'm just super proud he is already taking Spanish because he knew he would need it on his transcript. The only reason he didn't do well is he missed a test and then never got to make it up. He really does mostly try in school. He's still pretty addicted to video games and such but I can get him to go outside and do other things as well. He still looks just like Thomas but he acts just like me. I guess that just leaves me. I'm ok. I am still working on my prerequisites for nursing school. I'm taking A&P this semester and its driving me insane. I mean I have a good grade in there now but we have big tests coming up this week and well.. you know me. But I am taking tomorrow off to get some high quality studying in. I really enjoy being back in school. When it's not too overwhelming I even enjoy the homework. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and shows a clear path to my goals. Its just also easy to be afraid to fail. I was doing homework but then you crossed my mind and I decided I would write to you since it had been so long. I think you came along because my birthday is coming up and I was remembering how epic my 30th birthday was and how is was all completely because of you. I should probably go to bed but I'm also not tired. I keep wanting to see the Facebook message indicator go off on my phone. I've been waiting for this one message for awhile now but last night I had a friend who brought it all back to the forefront of my mind right now. I know you're fine. You always were. Nothing was every going to keep you down or dull your shine. I'm over wanting you back... but I also don't worry because I know you're fine. Kenny is fine. I think we've found a way to remain friends in a strong sense but its 100% because of me. But that's ok because he gives back at least 30% when I try. LOL Nah we have figured out the role we play in each other's lives and that's all its gonna be. But I don't worry because I know he's fine. There's just this one person.. I just wish he'd shoot me a quick message that hes good.. but I don't get to ask that so I sit and wait. Oh! I did get the news a few weeks ago that I am cancer free. The radioactive iodine apparently did what it was supposed to do and all the way to the margins I am clear I still have to go see Dr. Lum to get my meds all worked out but no more cancer doctor for me! At least not in my near future God willing. I'm also trying to get more active at church. I am going to a classs on Thursdays called The Heart of the Matter. Hopefully I can release some of the pain in my life. Well, that's all of us. I really wish you would reach out and tell me your life story as well. Maybe this year you will.

Sometimes you win

I woke up in a really good mood today. I got everything done around the house and got the car cleaned out and stuff taken to storage. I even made plans I fully intended to keep and got ready for the day. Things changed quickly when my plans got cancelled and I found myself all dressed up with nowhere to go. I decided to take a nap and it ended up being one of those naps that zap you. You know the kind the ones where you wake up with a crazy headache and more tired than you were before. Maybe you don't know the kind, maybe it only happens to me... Either way I decided to take a bath to get my groove back and it worked. I made dinner but I have no idea where dad is. I tried to call and he didn't answer. The moral of the story is that I didn't let anything get me down. I'm excited to see Sydney tomorrow and work on my relationships with my friends, my dad and God. I need to move forward from all of the things I've been writing about. If they don't want me or they want to pull away or distance themselves, that's their choice and can only be for the better of both our lives. I need to know my worth and focus on myself and my kiddo. I usually don't write this way here but I needed to claim this for myself. I needed to put it out into the universe. I need to keep going.

Crying at night

Maybe I love you was too much, or maybe too little, too late. Either way the silence weighs so heavy in fear it will break my spirit. The pain is made massive knowing this is how I made you feel. I keep telling myself it was necessary, that's a lie. I want to write something epic that can shatter windows and move mountains but the only words that come out are I'm so so sorry. I'm so so alone. It's so so quiet.

please don't let her

When things are said they can't be unsaid. When they are known they can't be unknown. You can delete the source but the vibes are already out there. I'm glad you know. But I've started to realize how selfish it was that I told you. It didn't do any good for your life to be aware of the struggles in mine. I think on some level it was taken too seriously.. though it was a serious topic. I would never have expected you to choose. I would never have let you choose. Where you are now is exactly where you are supposed to be and the pain in my heart doesn't change that. I simply wish I had a role in the story. I just miss my best friend. I'm not saying we need to get married and run away from life. I don't even know if my feelings extend that far.. I just know that I feel like I'm grieving all over again. My best friend. I wish I could even begin to express what that really means to me, what you really mean to me. I just want to be able to watch you be the man that you've become, to see you in your glory. To hear your voice again.. to see you smile and hear you laugh. Not as MINE, just as you.

Maybe I'm predictable

As I read back the message seems relatively the same and the person changes 3 times. Maybe I only write from one emotion. Maybe I'm just predictable. Maybe I'm just cliché. Maybe I'm just no good at relationships of any kind.

I owe you

I think I owe you one final post. I know it took me far longer than it should but I did finally make it to the end of that rope. I kept hanging and fraying and hanging still and I grasped to every last fiber, but it broke. It broke and I did not, for the first time. Or maybe the second. There is nothing left between us. I think after Greyson everything changed for both of us. We couldn't be put in that position again, not with each other at least. I love you in some part of my being because once you have a love like that its always a part of you, but I don't long for it anymore. I don't wish for the old times back because they could never return. We aren't the same people anymore and to be honest I don't think we ever would have been what we were, let alone friends if we met now. There's nothing for me to hold onto anymore. There is no hope, there is no desire. That part of my heart and soul is void of any kind of warmth of emotion. It's sad that I had to hit that point to give into what you and everyone else told me. Nothing positive has come from "us" in years. There hasn't been an "us" in years, there's been me begging and you allowing it to be that way. I can't allow it to be that way anymore. If you truly need me I suspect I will always be there but in the mean time the distance will increase until the communication is as silent as the parts of me that used to cry for you. I don't cry anymore. I would say I'm sorry but this is what you've always wanted. At least we want the same things now. Good bye. I would like to say I'll miss you.. but I've missed me more.

Grief

Grieving a lost relationship is hard, and its not what you think. I’ve processed that one. I don’t want it back, although sometimes I still think of the good times fondly. I have come to realize nothing positive ever came from going back to him. The good times were good, but they were over a long long time ago. We aren’t the same people and the people we are now really have no business even being friends… But that relationship, I do feel, lead to a lot of grief in my life now. Of course, I could talk about Greyson and go on and on but for now, for today, I am at peace with that too. Although it didn’t happen the way I wanted it to, God still chose me to be his mother and I have done the best with the absolutely impossible circumstances that were given to me. That’s not what’s hurting me this morning either. I miss you. More than I ever though I would. And not in a lovesick kind of way, I’m passed that point in our lives and on some level, I realize that it also played a large part in the demise of something very vitally important to me. You were my best friend. Sure, I’ve always said B was my best friend and he definitely holds a very special place in my heart, but you were the one I could call. Day or night, rain or shine, you were the one that would answer the phone. I think of the night of the long text conversation where I asked you a million questions and got to know your thoughts, fears and desires and I think that moment changed a lot for me. You were willing to open yourself up as a person and let me get to know who you really were. I found a love for that person that ran so much deeper than any romantic relationship would have been enough for. You were my best friend. You were there with me through so much always willing to tell me the hard truths no one else was willing to tell, even though you did it in such a passive aggressive manner. You were the one who wanted me to be complete, who wanted me to heal and wanted me to walk away from things that were toxic. Maybe if I had listened, we wouldn’t be where we are now. I don’t doubt that I did the right thing. Your heart was never going to let go of me and back track to that role that we were perfect for as long as I was available to you. I had to break things, including both of our hearts the way I did for you to reach the happiness you have now. I know you think it didn’t break my heart.. maybe at first it didn’t but my heart aches now for my best friend. I wish the path that seems so necessary hadn’t taken our friendship and put it in a perpetual state of ruin. I wish it hadn’t damaged things past the point of repair. I wish I could call you and hear all about your life and share what’s happening in mine. That’s what hurts me the most is that so much is happening for both of us and the other will never know. On nights where I get overwhelmed and sad, I miss you the most. You may not have always known what to say, but you were always there to say something. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for where we are now and where we could have gone and for giving into things that caused this to happen. I’m sorry I won’t hold your baby.. I’m sorry I don’t even know her name. I’m sorry I won’t ever get to see you be a dad. I’m sorry you won’t see Ethan grow up, that you won’t see me grow up. That we won’t see each other grow up… I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for my lack of explanation when you begged for it. I’m sorry that I didn’t just let things happen in a more natural course and I forced what I thought was right. But who am I kidding, we both know me.. I do think you most likely still know me better than most… and I’m not one to just let things go or let things happen. I just want you to know that when I woke up this morning my first thought was.. I’m sorry. I wish I could change the way it all turned out. I wish I still had my best friend. I hope your life and all that it brings you is amazing and you get everything you deserve.