It's complicated

Who would have thought I would miss you. I don't say that to be rude. I knew that losing someone that holds a big place in your life always comes with some amount of pain and grieving. But I just figured I'd process that and move on. I never thought I'd actually miss you. And still, not trying to be rude, it's not the romantic part I miss. Its the friendship. Knowing you would always be there to share any news with me, good or bad. The way that you always seemed to text me when I needed to hear from someone and even when you didn't know what to say you tried. I was never as good of a friend to you as you were to me. If I was I never would have crossed that line. I'm not saying I regret our time together because that's not true. I meant every word I said during those 4 months and I'm sorry that everything changed for me because I know that it didn't change for you until I didn't give you a choice. Regret isn't the word for it. But I am sad, because if I had never taken that step I never would have broken your heart and we never would have lost the bond we had which really was something special. I'm sorry I ghosted you, but it was the only way. And I know how desperately that hurts because someone once did the same to me. Over time I realized he did the right thing. The best thing for me, and I hope that at some point that's the way you see it too. You told me that I was your first great loss. That I was the one to break you. That along with the look on your face when I told you I couldn't do it anymore and the manner with which you walked out my door that last time and looked back like you were waiting on me to say I changed my mind, those things hurt me inside in a way that I'm not sure I had been hurt before. It didn't take you too long to process and move on and I found comfort in that. Lately I've thought of texting you just to tell you that I hope you're doing well, but I burned that bridge. I just couldn't answer the questions that you kept asking me any better than I already had and that frustrated me. I'm sorry if you didn't feel like you got an answer. If there was never any closure for you. Or if I really did break you the way you say I did. I know you always wanted to be as good as him. The same as him. Better than him. But you see, he's the one. And you held your place, and I did have a deep love for you, just not in the way you needed me too. And sadly, that was all you were willing to accept.

I'm on the top of the world, lookin, down on creation

I am not a grey area kind of girl. Every move I make is calculated and intentional. Even the self destructive ones. I weigh pros and cons and benefits and consequences and I make choices, often times the wrong choices, based off carefully processed data in my mind. I have always seen the black and white. I have always seen the right and wrong. I have always respected control and precision. So now, I'm losing my mind. I feel like when I walked out those doors on September 21 I walked away from everything I knew. I lost everything and everyone that was still inside. I lost myself. I lost my control. I lost my consistency and my routine. I get up every morning now and I don't have anywhere to be. I don't have anyone to be. My beliefs of myself are shaken. As I search for a new consistency and a new routine, is it also time to search for a new version of myself? There is only one constant in my life. And it shatters me on the daily. It breaks my heart. It controls my mind. It rents space in my head and my heart and if I look at the black and white, the calculated and intentional, its not worth it anymore. But this is the one place the grey area wins. This is the one place I have a reckless hope that drives a fiery passion in my soul. This part of me is ruled by emotion and a once great friend told me that the only predictable thing about emotions is that you can't control them. I'm trying to learn to control them. To shove them into the black and white, because that's what I'm comfortable with, and they don't want to fit. They aren't supposed to fit and it makes me very uncomfortable, in a very pleasant way. You've have always brought something out in me that isn't there when you aren't. I have never treated anything with reckless abandon the way I did with you. I have never thought outside the box or thrown caution to the wind the way I did with you. You believed in us so much that I couldn't not believe in you. Oh how the tides have turned. And I don't have it in me to be for you, what you were for me. And that kills me. You have been through so much in your life that I never had to deal with. You have been through so many things that should have made you jaded to life and love and yet you loved me unconditionally in a way that no one ever had before. You overcame so many obstacles and trials. You were never a victim and always a survivor. You were my hero. I learned to pick myself up, from you. And then it was over. Everything in my life seems to have an expiration date. I know they say you're dying from the moment that you're born but for some reason lately I feel like its going faster than it was before. Not just that time is passing faster or life is changing faster but that I'm falling apart. All of my black and white is gone. All that's left is a sea of grey and I don't have you with me as a safety mechanism anymore. I guess I should take responsibility for part of that. I walked away the first time. Not that I think we'd still be together if I hadn't had that meltdown on that dreary day in December. There were signs that we weren't who we used to be all over the place. You changed and grew more independent. I became more reserved and.. well.. boring. Wow.. this post is turning into quite the mess. Its random and illogical and has no flow whatsoever, but I guess that's who I am these days so why should this be any different. I guess the point I want to get across is that I'm scared. And I'm alone. And I'm generally not either of those things. I'm shaken. If everything I knew was fleeting, or wrong, or discombobulated, or ran its course of whatever you want to say, is my hope unfounded too? Is it time to let go? I wasn't given a choice but to let go of such a big part of my life recently. Should I just make a clean break and change everything? While my heart is already broken do I go ahead and shatter the little pieces that are left so that I only have to put it all back together once? Even if that is the right thing to do, do I have the strength emotionally and mentally to pull it off? My best friend told me today that I am the strongest person he knows unless there's a boy involved. Can I bring my strength into that area of my life as well? Or do I just let the weakness overcome the rest...

Can't get you out of my head..

You'd think all of these years later it would be over for me. I'm not sure it will ever be over for me. I don't long for you anymore. I don't wish for one more kiss or one more affectionate hug. I'm over the way things happened, and the way they ended. I'm over you. But I do miss my friend. You always knew what to say to me and I need that now more than I think I ever have before. You always reminded me that where I am is only a stopping point to where I'm going and always gave me a reason to love myself. You taught me about true love. Love for others and love for myself. You taught me about dreams. The kind that can be realized and the kind that break you. You taught me how to put the pieces back together when everything fell apart, in a round about way I guess. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at myself anymore either. I think that in the end, after careful analysis and consideration and don't forget the agonizing, things happened exactly the way they had to. I wish I was as strong as you to do the right thing for those around me as well, but I just can't give up. That's not fair. I don't think you gave up. I think you just understood things on a level that I didn't and realized that the good we could do for each other had been realized. That we had taught each other everything we could, except that one last lesson you got in there. And as hard as it was for me, I thank you for it. I cherish even that desperation that your disappearance brought me because it gave me a freedom. Freedom to move on and find my one true love. Don't get it wrong, you and I were a great love story. An epic love story. But not one to beat the test of time.. and life. But after the ideals that you gave me, I did find him and I might be most grateful to you for that. I just wish maybe you had stuck around to teach me how to keep him. But that's a whole separate entry. I wish I could just accidentally run into you somewhere. Even if you turned to avoid me to keep up your disappearing act, I just want to see your perfect hair and your alien fingers one more time.. for just seven more seconds.