Happy Birthday to....

I can't believe its been a year since we celebrated my 30th birthday.  I can't believe its been 7 months since I've seen my best friend.  I can't believe that I have made so many amazing friends in the last 7 months that we will be celebrating 31 trying to forget 30 every happened. Or at least I will.  I think they have this great idea that they will make it better than last year and I won't miss him.. but there is no possible way its going to be better than last year.  I think its possible to be just as good because of all the wonderful people that are in my life now that weren't then.. but the only possible way that it can be better than last year is if he were to show up too.. I had a dream about that... Somehow he wanted to be there, to wish me happy birthday.. even if he came just to tell me that he wanted nothing to do with me and that I would never see him again.. he'd be there. I don't know if I'm supposed to cry or feel nothing.. we were never really ever real.  I was a project. Just like with everyone and everything else in my life I was a project. He wanted to make me ok.  He did.. oh he did.. but have yet to figure out how to do that without him.  I just hope and pray that I do not spend my entire birthday thinking of him.. I have today for that. I miss you. I love you still..because you showed me how to love me.

I love you, always forever

I wonder if I will ever find my true love.  I've found a few that make it a little easier to love me.. I understand that.  I accept each "failure" for what it was and what I learned from it.  Maybe I found someone who I was able to love completelt and wholeheartedly.  More than I loved myself.. maybe once... But even then it doesn't matter because they didn't return that.  Maybe I didn't let them, maybe it wasn't meant to be.. either way I haven't found that true love.  I see it in movies and on the television and every now and then even in life, from a distance.  Would I know it if I came across it? have I already passed it up because I didn't know what it was? Am I just so completely ruined and broken that I am the one person on planet that doesn't have a perfect match? Is he out there?? Is anyone even listening..

You wouldn't even recognize me anymore

Is it sad that I only share this page with the anonymous people who read it.. and the people who probably never wanted to get to know my in the first place?  Is it odd that the people who think they really know me don't have the link to my deepest thoughts? I guess I just figure its safe..

You, you, you oughta know

I miss my best friend.  The saddest part is that I'm starting to feel like maybe I never really was a friend to him.  Not like he was to me.  I was so focused on the way I thought things should be that I didn't even fully enjoy the best year of my life.  He let me be myself.. and I didn't listen to who he was. I was selfish. I continually told him what was best for him even when he told me that whether I was right or wrong, it wasn't what he wanted.  I was pushy and irritating. I'm surprised he didn't run from me sooner.  I believed him when he said he never would.. but that was no reason to try so hard to push him to do that very thing.  If I had been more accepting and understanding maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to disappear.  Maybe I would know if he was ok.. if he was happy.  I don't think it would have kept him here either way.. I understand what he did.  I used to think that I understood even better than he did.. but how could I.. I like to believe it wasn't an easy choice for him and that he had to come to terms with everything I have in order to do it. But maybe that is more selfishly wishful thinking.  I feel like I'm at the most desperate point in my life that I have ever been in.. and once again its my fault.  I took something real.. something beautiful and wasn't satisfied. I only wanted to make it better. Now I've lost the best parts of it.  Even the good memories.. the amazing memories are colored by the way that things ended. By the way I made them end.  One of the last things he said to me was that I saved him.. I guess after that he had to save himself from me...