Sometimes you win

I woke up in a really good mood today. I got everything done around the house and got the car cleaned out and stuff taken to storage. I even made plans I fully intended to keep and got ready for the day. Things changed quickly when my plans got cancelled and I found myself all dressed up with nowhere to go. I decided to take a nap and it ended up being one of those naps that zap you. You know the kind the ones where you wake up with a crazy headache and more tired than you were before. Maybe you don't know the kind, maybe it only happens to me... Either way I decided to take a bath to get my groove back and it worked. I made dinner but I have no idea where dad is. I tried to call and he didn't answer. The moral of the story is that I didn't let anything get me down. I'm excited to see Sydney tomorrow and work on my relationships with my friends, my dad and God. I need to move forward from all of the things I've been writing about. If they don't want me or they want to pull away or distance themselves, that's their choice and can only be for the better of both our lives. I need to know my worth and focus on myself and my kiddo. I usually don't write this way here but I needed to claim this for myself. I needed to put it out into the universe. I need to keep going.

Crying at night

Maybe I love you was too much, or maybe too little, too late. Either way the silence weighs so heavy in fear it will break my spirit. The pain is made massive knowing this is how I made you feel. I keep telling myself it was necessary, that's a lie. I want to write something epic that can shatter windows and move mountains but the only words that come out are I'm so so sorry. I'm so so alone. It's so so quiet.

please don't let her

When things are said they can't be unsaid. When they are known they can't be unknown. You can delete the source but the vibes are already out there. I'm glad you know. But I've started to realize how selfish it was that I told you. It didn't do any good for your life to be aware of the struggles in mine. I think on some level it was taken too seriously.. though it was a serious topic. I would never have expected you to choose. I would never have let you choose. Where you are now is exactly where you are supposed to be and the pain in my heart doesn't change that. I simply wish I had a role in the story. I just miss my best friend. I'm not saying we need to get married and run away from life. I don't even know if my feelings extend that far.. I just know that I feel like I'm grieving all over again. My best friend. I wish I could even begin to express what that really means to me, what you really mean to me. I just want to be able to watch you be the man that you've become, to see you in your glory. To hear your voice again.. to see you smile and hear you laugh. Not as MINE, just as you.