How did I miss it..

You told me once that you felt that you were evil.  That everyone has a string of black and white beads and your string has one more black than white and you have to fight yourself daily just to be average and not evil.  You told me that you took pleasure in hurting people. That you found joy in causing someone mental pain because those scars don't heal.  How did I not hear you plotting my demise? How did I not realize that because you did care about me on some level you were giving me warning.. foreshadowing to what would happen if I continued to allow myself to love you.  I guess you were right.. while my heart is weak, yet mended, my mind is still raw with the pain you caused...

A heart won't lie

I see beauty in you that I don't see in the world.  I trust you with my heart and my life.  You proved tonight that you deserve it.  You chose not to accept one to save the other.  You're right.  Right now my heart is broken, no one would want to accept a broken heart. Its not right to offer it.  But, if you can't accept my heart, accept my hope.
I hope that even if you never have such feelings for me, some day, someone will.  I hope that in that moment I can experience something as pure and genuine as I feel when I see myself in your eyes.
You give me hope, for me.

Mary was married with children, had the perfect suburban life..

I heard something yesterday that I thought at one point in time was all I ever wanted to hear.  I knew how things would play out and the way the story would go if it would just take that turn for the better.  If those words could just be spoken, if what I dreamed could only be confirmed, life would be beautiful. Then... The words came out and I was frozen.  Somewhere inside myself I felt the overwhelming warmth of love. True, genuine, love.  The kind of love that hasn't been damaged by society and circumstance.  But on the surface in my real self it brought the strangest sense of self actualization.  The understanding that I was only going to be enough for someone who didn't need anything.  That I was only going to feel this love from people who did not have it to give.  Then immediately I went to the responses that were appropriate for the situation.  I can remember going through that same process once before on a much larger level.  The feelings of that time were proven to be nothing but fabrications.  Lies. Burdens. Now I sit here today and I wonder if everything I had yesterday fits in the same category.  I mean obviously it does.  I never had the first, I never had the second.  But in the moment that I heard those words on both occasion I was able to believe it and allow it to be true for a brief time.  Those cumulative 10 seconds may be the best 10 seconds of my life outside of motherhood.  What I wouldn't give to be able to provide the same for someone else.. I say someone.. but we know who it is..

Here Comes the Bride?!

This starts off as a true story.. an replay of events that I have found myself fixed on lately.. As I turned the corner you were already standing where the two halls met, waiting. 8:15am on the dot, every morning. I walked up and we turned to the patio with that awkward sideways hug and our normal morning pleasantries.
I took my seat, first bench at the second table. You took yours on top of the table with your feet occupying the space next to me. I looked up into your eyes as you started the morning conversation. I heard her name and prepared my response in the back of my mind. I was ready for another tale of how she made you feel worthless or how you thought she was cheating. I was all ready to tell you how you deserved better. I thought I was prepared for what was about to come out of your mouth because I had been through this exact scenario with you at least 3 times a week for about 4 months. I didn't even have to listen anymore, I could count your freckles and watch you smile and I would still be ready with an uplifting speech when it was my turn. Wait.. did you just say proposed? Engaged??!! Were you looking at me waiting for an excited shriek and an immediate congratulations? Something must have gone horribly wrong, I didn't hear it right.. Shocked? Well thats one word.. Shocked.. disappointed... crushed..
Come to the wedding.. ? This is where the replay stops and my media player of my mind fills in what should have happened.. This is where my regret is manifested by the words that should have come flowing in this moment in time..
I'm sorry, I can't. I won't. She doesn't deserve you. You deserve better. We deserve a chance. I want to make you feel wanted! I love you. I'm not even going to begin to say I'm "in love" with you.. I don't even know if thats true and to use that in this moment would be cruel and unfair but I could.. given the opportunity. I kept telling myself that you knew it was there, just under the surface and you choose not to acknowledge it because you're happy in the life you have.  I kept saying I would always keep it inside and you would never know.. but you aren't happy.. and even if the words were never spoken we would both always know. Before I can let you close this door I have to make sure you know its open..
You said only this "I'll be at your house at 7" I didn't see you again all day. My stomach turned and my eyes glistened. I didn't know how to feel or think or what would happen.  Normal was over, routine had passed.. this was unchartered and I hate being out of control.. and I've never felt so out of control in my life..
The time came and the doorbell rang.. I opened the door, there you were.. You stepped in and opened your arms, I fell into them feeling that things were different because they were absolutely the same.

In the water where I center my emotion All the world can pass me by

It’s like the end of a movie when you see the main character reach that optimal point of self actualization where they see themselves and the life they were meant to have like it was on a home movie screen.  The inner most desires and intimate details are no longer pushed back and hidden underneath the burden that became real life. 

She sat there in yet another pointless meeting where each speaker stood to give their all knowing opinion on what was undoubtedly the most important topic of the moment.  The one thing that everyone needed to commit to in order to save the company, the planet, themselves, or something.  Her thoughts began to reach out to what it would really take to save herself.   Can any sense be made out of such total chaos? She sat back and let her mind wander into this more important train of thought.  She waited for the movie to start.  She’d seen this movie before, the family Christmases and vacations.  A beautiful wedding to a faceless man and the birth of faceless children.  Even after she committed herself to a marriage without a heart she continued to see these things without clarity on who would come to play the main characters.  Now that she had found a person she felt linked to her inner being, her soul mate, she wondered if this face would now be filled in.  How does it work when all the things you’ve dreamed of for your life have no meaning to the person you want to share them with?  Does the movie change to some compromise that would meet the needs of both main characters?  Do you continue to see what you want only with the aching understanding that these things will never come true?  Or do your desires change to line up with that of the person you so willingly give your hopes and dreams over to?  As the screen finally turned white and she could hear the projector start turning she was brought back to the world of call flows and occupancy as she realized that the meeting was coming to an end.  Another day with nothing accomplished, no greater understanding of the business world, herself or the meaning of life.