Am I more than you bargained for.. yeah

I need to write.  I know I need to write to be able to move on with my day because I can’t handle the mess that’s in my head without clearing out the chaos.  The only way I can make sense of the chaos is to organize my thoughts into the right words and express them the only way I know how.  Get it out there… put it out into the world to see what kind of return I get.. Even though the thought of that is terrifying.  The problem, is that nothing I write seems to express the beauty or the pain that is crippling my mind this morning.  I’ve been writing for a long time.  I’ve always prided myself on being able to put words together in such a way that they demand an emotion.  Today, that’s just not happening for me.  Or maybe it’s not happening for you… whoever is out there that might be reading this.   Regardless of how you look at it, it’s not happening for either of us.  Which is rather unfortunate.. Let’s try this one more time… I finally asked the question that has been tormenting my peace of mind this morning.. I had to know the answer.  Now I sit here and I wait.  I wait for my message to be read and processed and I wait for him to find the right words to answer me and I ponder what my reactions might be.  I want to make sure the next move I make is a logical and rational move.  I don’t want to react emotionally because emotions are too hard to control.  I have an overwhelming feeling as to what the answer will be and I pray to God I’m wrong.  I’ve been praying for years now. And honestly, up to this point it seems every prayer has been answered. I believe that the answer to my prayers… is you.  But I can’t change things if you don’t believe that.  I don’t think I’d want to change things if you don’t believe that.  You’re not the same guy I fell in love with anymore.  Some of the changes are very subtle and others are huge spectacles.  Your mannerisms are different.  Your expressiveness is different.  I’ve been praying about that too.  I’ve been praying to decide if you’re not the man I fell in love with, are you still a man deserving of my love.  I think you are.  But I can’t make you feel things you don’t.  Who knows, maybe you do… It’s a hard read for me lately.  We spend less and less time together and that seems to be the way you want it.  Any time I mention seeing you, you remind me that “too much time is detrimental” because “we don’t want it to happen the way it did last time.”  But you see, right now, nothing is happening… and I don’t sit still very well.  The point of life is to always move forward and while I’m not moving backwards, I’m definitely not moving forward.  We are not moving forward.  You tell me you love me, if I say it first.  Sometimes.. You tell me you miss me, if I say it first and if you’re not busy explaining to me why missing you is illogical because I just saw you 15 minutes ago.  But what you don’t understand is that for me, missing you has nothing to do with how long it’s been since I’ve seen you, or how long it’s been since I’ve been in your arms(though now that I mention it, that never happens anymore unless we are saying hello, or goodbye). Missing you is simply about how I’d rather be spending that exact moment of my life.  When I have something to share and I only want to share it with you.  Or when I’m having a bad reaction to life and I just want to sit next to you while you play video games in silence to remind myself that there are still good things and good people out there.  When I say I miss you I’m not saying I need to move in or I need to be under your arm all the time.  I’m just letting you know how important you are to me that what I’m experiencing in that moment I would rather experience with you than anyone else.  But we house emotions differently and maybe it’s not fair for me to even ask you to understand those feelings.  But the thing is, you seem to have no feelings towards me at all.  There’s no affection.  There’s no flirtation.  You treat me exactly the same way you would treat anyone else in your life.  I know and I understand you aren’t my boyfriend.  But there is a relationship here.  Or at least there was… I fully comprehend that things are supposed to be casual and I get that we aren’t running towards a finish line, we aren’t sprinting to get to the end.. but I thought we were at least walking together, hand in hand, down a fragrant path.  Enjoying each other.  Enjoying the little things.  But here lately I feel like you’ve already reached that finish line and somewhere in the middle of the happenings I was completely disqualified and no one told me.  I feel like I’m taking double steps behind you to try and catch up and put myself in the place I so vehemently desire.  But I can’t put myself there.. only you can.  And if you chose not to, I have to accept that.  Maybe I’m completely oblivious.  Maybe I just woke up in full on girl mode and I don’t know how to process the flood of insecurities and emotions that are attacking me this morning.  Maybe everything is fine and I have irrational expectations.  Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be for you.  But maybe I have to stop worrying about that so much.  Maybe I have to figure out how it’s supposed to be for me and if we can get to that place together.  Maybe being so certain about the feelings you have for someone and the place the hold in your heart doesn’t make them the one that’s supposed to be there.  Maybe I’m doing this to myself.  Hell, either way I’m doing it to myself.  But now I’m perplexed.  Do I keep giving me entire self to someone who doesn’t even seem to want me?  Do I keep trying with all my might to show you the way I love you and the life we could have?  Do I keep moving forward because of an idea that’s been in my head for the last two years?  Or do I accept that while I do believe I fulfill a purpose in your life it will never be the one I desire?  Do I step up and put us both out of our misery?  That’s not a fair statement.. I don’t think either one of us is miserable.   But if it’s not right someone needs to be grown up enough to say it.  I always thought it would have to be you.  I just knew that no matter what I would never walk away from you.  No matter what you did or how we made progress in the tiniest of steps that I would always be there. But there is no progress.  And I don’t know if I can keep doing this.  I don’t know if I can keep holding myself back from the possibility that maybe someone is out there that would love an cherish me.  Someone that would make me a priority and give me a cute little pet name that reassures me.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this decision while I still truly and wholeheartedly believe that it all comes back to you.  I don’t know how to accept it.  I understand that I only provide one side of this relationship and that it can’t be a one sided relationship.  I understand that I would give anything for you.  That I would do anything for you.  That I truly love you more than I love myself.  But I also understand, that doesn’t make it enough.  And I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.