And With a Broken Wing, She Still Sings...

I feel like a 15 year old girl. Like somewhere in the last few months I have lost 20 years worth of maturity and rationale.. When we broke up I was a mess. For weeks. I cried and cried until I ran out of tears. I beat myself up over the decision that I made, I think I even tried to take it back once or twice but you wouldn't let me. I was devastated. My entire world collapsed. And you weren't even remotely concerned. You continued with your life and played your video games like we never even existed. There were no tears for you. Nothing collapsed, nothing broke, nothing happened. At least not as far as I know. When she broke up with you, I held you while you shattered. I wrapped my arms around you and felt your tears on my cheek. I comforted you while sobs shook your body. For the first time when I looked in your eyes I saw a broken heart. I saw hurt. I saw pain. And all I wanted in that moment was to take it away from you. I was broken a long time ago. I never wanted that for you. I wanted to put the pieces back together. I wanted to fill all of the gaps with my love and make you whole and complete again. But I forgot a very important piece of information, when you truly give yourself to someone, they take parts of you with them when they go... She hurt you. And that kills me. She took parts that it wasn't fair for her to take. She took your trust. You were always so trusting before. You knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had your back and would never betray you. You never took that for granted, but you never doubted it either. She took your peace. You had made peace with a lot of things in your life that I never could have handled. You were settled down to your core with acceptance for everything that happened around you, everything that happened to you. And that peace was unbalanced. She took your heart for romance. You were always doing and saying the sweetest things, and I'm sorry I didn't appreciate it at the time. But you had the soul of a poet.. and she stole the song. I realized those are things I couldn't give back to you. That you would never be the same. But I was more than willing and capable of falling in the love with this new you. Because you're my guy. I would do anything for you. But what you needed from me wasn't that kind of love. You told me you wanted me, but that we couldn't be together because you didn't see a future with me. I think that may have broken my heart more than any words I've ever heard. More than when my mother was in the accident. More than when I lost my grandparents. More than when I failed at marriage. More than when my parents told me they were getting divorced. More than.... Nick. That's a pain I've carried with me since the words came out of your mouth and I struggle every day to deal with it. To accept it. To let it go. But I can't seem to give up hope. You told me that before you saw a life with me. A future and a love and that you didn't see that anymore. For the longest time I felt like she stole that too.. but if it was ever real she couldn't have changed it. Only we could have. You or me. Maybe I did it. I've changed so much as a person in the last few years. Maybe I'm not the kind of girl you can love anymore. No, that's not true because I know you love me and you always will. But maybe I'm not the kind of girl you will fall in love with again. Maybe I never was, but I like to think I showed you something about love. And happiness. And truth. And peace. And romance. And balance. I like to think I did. You showed me all those things, and more. You help me to love myself. You showed me I was worth it.. for a little while anyways.. I know the best thing I can do for you is to let all of this go. Be the friend that you need and put this behind me. And if its meant to be then someday it will all resurface, but I think I'm supposed to bury it. For now. And all I ever wanted was to be what's best for you. I have that chance again and I won't throw it away like I did that December. I love you, more than anything. With my entire heart and soul. With my everything. And since I won't be able to tell you that anymore. I hope you never forget it.

Am I more than you bargained for.. yeah

I need to write.  I know I need to write to be able to move on with my day because I can’t handle the mess that’s in my head without clearing out the chaos.  The only way I can make sense of the chaos is to organize my thoughts into the right words and express them the only way I know how.  Get it out there… put it out into the world to see what kind of return I get.. Even though the thought of that is terrifying.  The problem, is that nothing I write seems to express the beauty or the pain that is crippling my mind this morning.  I’ve been writing for a long time.  I’ve always prided myself on being able to put words together in such a way that they demand an emotion.  Today, that’s just not happening for me.  Or maybe it’s not happening for you… whoever is out there that might be reading this.   Regardless of how you look at it, it’s not happening for either of us.  Which is rather unfortunate.. Let’s try this one more time… I finally asked the question that has been tormenting my peace of mind this morning.. I had to know the answer.  Now I sit here and I wait.  I wait for my message to be read and processed and I wait for him to find the right words to answer me and I ponder what my reactions might be.  I want to make sure the next move I make is a logical and rational move.  I don’t want to react emotionally because emotions are too hard to control.  I have an overwhelming feeling as to what the answer will be and I pray to God I’m wrong.  I’ve been praying for years now. And honestly, up to this point it seems every prayer has been answered. I believe that the answer to my prayers… is you.  But I can’t change things if you don’t believe that.  I don’t think I’d want to change things if you don’t believe that.  You’re not the same guy I fell in love with anymore.  Some of the changes are very subtle and others are huge spectacles.  Your mannerisms are different.  Your expressiveness is different.  I’ve been praying about that too.  I’ve been praying to decide if you’re not the man I fell in love with, are you still a man deserving of my love.  I think you are.  But I can’t make you feel things you don’t.  Who knows, maybe you do… It’s a hard read for me lately.  We spend less and less time together and that seems to be the way you want it.  Any time I mention seeing you, you remind me that “too much time is detrimental” because “we don’t want it to happen the way it did last time.”  But you see, right now, nothing is happening… and I don’t sit still very well.  The point of life is to always move forward and while I’m not moving backwards, I’m definitely not moving forward.  We are not moving forward.  You tell me you love me, if I say it first.  Sometimes.. You tell me you miss me, if I say it first and if you’re not busy explaining to me why missing you is illogical because I just saw you 15 minutes ago.  But what you don’t understand is that for me, missing you has nothing to do with how long it’s been since I’ve seen you, or how long it’s been since I’ve been in your arms(though now that I mention it, that never happens anymore unless we are saying hello, or goodbye). Missing you is simply about how I’d rather be spending that exact moment of my life.  When I have something to share and I only want to share it with you.  Or when I’m having a bad reaction to life and I just want to sit next to you while you play video games in silence to remind myself that there are still good things and good people out there.  When I say I miss you I’m not saying I need to move in or I need to be under your arm all the time.  I’m just letting you know how important you are to me that what I’m experiencing in that moment I would rather experience with you than anyone else.  But we house emotions differently and maybe it’s not fair for me to even ask you to understand those feelings.  But the thing is, you seem to have no feelings towards me at all.  There’s no affection.  There’s no flirtation.  You treat me exactly the same way you would treat anyone else in your life.  I know and I understand you aren’t my boyfriend.  But there is a relationship here.  Or at least there was… I fully comprehend that things are supposed to be casual and I get that we aren’t running towards a finish line, we aren’t sprinting to get to the end.. but I thought we were at least walking together, hand in hand, down a fragrant path.  Enjoying each other.  Enjoying the little things.  But here lately I feel like you’ve already reached that finish line and somewhere in the middle of the happenings I was completely disqualified and no one told me.  I feel like I’m taking double steps behind you to try and catch up and put myself in the place I so vehemently desire.  But I can’t put myself there.. only you can.  And if you chose not to, I have to accept that.  Maybe I’m completely oblivious.  Maybe I just woke up in full on girl mode and I don’t know how to process the flood of insecurities and emotions that are attacking me this morning.  Maybe everything is fine and I have irrational expectations.  Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be for you.  But maybe I have to stop worrying about that so much.  Maybe I have to figure out how it’s supposed to be for me and if we can get to that place together.  Maybe being so certain about the feelings you have for someone and the place the hold in your heart doesn’t make them the one that’s supposed to be there.  Maybe I’m doing this to myself.  Hell, either way I’m doing it to myself.  But now I’m perplexed.  Do I keep giving me entire self to someone who doesn’t even seem to want me?  Do I keep trying with all my might to show you the way I love you and the life we could have?  Do I keep moving forward because of an idea that’s been in my head for the last two years?  Or do I accept that while I do believe I fulfill a purpose in your life it will never be the one I desire?  Do I step up and put us both out of our misery?  That’s not a fair statement.. I don’t think either one of us is miserable.   But if it’s not right someone needs to be grown up enough to say it.  I always thought it would have to be you.  I just knew that no matter what I would never walk away from you.  No matter what you did or how we made progress in the tiniest of steps that I would always be there. But there is no progress.  And I don’t know if I can keep doing this.  I don’t know if I can keep holding myself back from the possibility that maybe someone is out there that would love an cherish me.  Someone that would make me a priority and give me a cute little pet name that reassures me.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this decision while I still truly and wholeheartedly believe that it all comes back to you.  I don’t know how to accept it.  I understand that I only provide one side of this relationship and that it can’t be a one sided relationship.  I understand that I would give anything for you.  That I would do anything for you.  That I truly love you more than I love myself.  But I also understand, that doesn’t make it enough.  And I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough.

Dearest Nick

Dearest Nick,   You’ve been on my mind a lot recently, it makes me wonder if we ever cross yours.  I wonder if you still wear the bracelet I gave you.  If you remember that you’re greater than anything that comes your way.   My hands are literally shaking as I type this..    Ashely and Jacob broke up.  We were all pretty surprised about that.  It turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to her because she met Dylan.  Ashley and Dylan are perfect for each other.  You can’t even imagine who they would be if they weren’t together.  They got married this past year and it was beautiful.  She was beautiful.  She’s been doing great.  Crazy thing, she left Convergys.  She’s the only one of us to get out since you left.  She’s working as an office manager at some horse place.  I know that sounds weird but its like an animal sanctuary or something.  She got stepped on by a horse the other day and has as horrible bruise on her foot.  She’s also been working on bettering herself for a long time now.  She looks really good.  She runs and rides her bike and eats well.  She flew off the bike the other day and has another bruise on her knee so right now she’s in recovery mode, but she’s ready to get back at it.  They haven’t had any babies yet but they got a dog.  Her name is Quinn.  She’s been sick lately so it would be great if you could send her warm thoughts.  I know you cared about animals.  I guess a lot has changed since I started writing this letter.  Ashley and Dylan broke up.  I think she’s ok.  She seems to be getting back in touch with herself and her friends.  That’s always a good place to start.  We aren’t close like we used to be though.  We haven’t been since you left.  I would say that’s just something else you took from me but I guess really it was mine to maintain.  I don’t know if I pulled away because she reminded me of you, or because the only version of me she knew was one that was with you.  Or if we just naturally grew apart how people do.  Either way I don’t know much else to update you on.  I love her still and I think she knows that.   Brandon has been well.  He’s been Brandon anyways.  He’s still everyone’s favorite and we love him more than ever.  He’s been through some things medically lately that had us concerned but overall the Dr has been able to take care of it.  He’s still just out having fun.  He has as niece now.  He’s very proud of her.  Her name is Zoey and she’s 18 months old.  She looks like Brandon.  He comes in with another story about her every day.  I still can’t convince him to have a baby but he’s very proud of the one he has.  He hasn’t had any serious relationships or anything.   He’s always out for the next new thing.  But we wouldn’t expect anything else from B, ya know.  He’s been having a hard time lately because his sister moved out and took Zoey away.  He hasn’t seen her in weeks and its really taking a toll on him.  I don’t think he realized that he could become that attached to a little person.  Its been hard on mom and memaw which means its been hard on him.  I hope they find a resolution.  He still has the same happy go lucky attitude until he gets alone at night.  He posts some things that make me sad that I can’t help him, but I guess if I’m honest we aren’t the same as we once we either.  I can’t blame you for that.  We were still great after you left but it feels like time has come between us.  We haven’t had a meal together in months and we used to eat together 3 times a week.  We don’t make the time.  I’m sure we both have excuses but that’s all they’d be.  I should work on that.  He’s definitely one worth keeping.    We talk about you sometimes.  If I’m honest it’s probably not the nicest of conversations most of the time.  You did kinda bail on us.  You hurt me more than anyone ever has and that’s hard for him to handle because he’s the best friend in the world.  He tries to help me get you out of my mind and move on but I’m honestly not even sure that’s what I want.  Although it hurts to remember I think it would hurt more to forget.  He tells me I deserve better.  I probably do.    Ethan is doing well.  He’s 8 years old now and he’s an amazing little boy.  We found out he was dyslexic last year.  We had some concerns when he was younger but they wouldn’t let us test him until 2 grade.  He’s doing really well with his special teacher.  He’s finally growing and isn’t the smallest kid in his class anymore.  We’ve had some issues this year with his behavior.  He called his teacher Ms. Sassypants.  And there have been other issues but some kids were picking on him.  We had to teach him that even though the teachers will call everyone your friend, everyone is not your friend and you don’t have to treat them as such.  Not to be rude to them but that he doesn’t have to be their friend either.  It was a hard lesson to teach but I think it was necessary because its resolved the issue and his behavior has gotten better.  His grades on the other hand have not really.  Its hard for me because the girls always had it so easy in school and we never had to really study or work on it  And he does.. But we are adjusting.  Cheyenne is pregnant.  She’s 4 months along.  She isn’t showing at all really.  We found out it was a boy a few weeks ago so we are excited about that.  She has been doing well in school and makes the Dean’s List every semester even though she complains about it non stop.  She’s working at Convergys with me now and even though she complains about that too she does well here.  People feel like they’ve seen her grow up so its like she fit right into the family.  She has decided with school that maybe she doesn’t want to be a Dr anymore and is considering nursing.  She’s doing well and I’m really proud of her. Morgan is a Senior this year.  She’s been doing great as always.  She has really found out who she is as a person and has been embracing it this year more than she ever has.  She quit basketball.  That’s a long story and I won’t go into it but basically they took a game she loved with all her heart and turned it into something she despised.  Something that made her feel bad about herself.  It was hard for me not to get more involved in that one but I let dad take the lead and that’s what came of it.  I don’t know if she’ll play this summer or not.  She also wants to go into nursing and eventually become a nurse practitioner.  She got a pig for Christmas.  I don’t know what she plans to do after she graduates, but we’d love to have her here at CVG. I guess that leaves me… My grandmother passed away in April right after you left.  I tried to tell you but you didn’t answer me.  That was the first big loss of my life and I had to deal with it alone.  I don’t blame you anymore for that… I couldn’t really depend on my sisters or the cousins.. I’m the oldest, its my job to keep them together.  It wasn’t easy and sometimes we still struggle with it but we made it through.  We lost my grandpa on February 5th this year.  This one was expected and a little easier to handle.  It was hard watching him those last few days.  He was in the cancer wing of the hospital and we all came together as a family and sat and cried and held hands.  He was ready to go and sadly we were ready to let go because he was hurting so badly.  He gave his car to Ronnie.  Ronnie worked for my grandpa for years and years.  I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t there.  I guess that was good.  I almost died.  I was in the hospital for 2 months and I asked for you daily but no one was able to reach you.  We aren’t sure what was wrong.  I got sick and started throwing up and I just couldn’t stop.  They finally sent me home and said there was nothing else they could do.  It was a terrible feeling.  I couldn’t nourish myself and I was so sick I honestly felt like I was dying.  Then it just went away.  Just like it came, out of nowhere it was gone.  It took me a little while to build up my strength again.  I’ll never be the same person I was before that happened.   I don’t have the emotional range I had before then.  I don’t care for things the same way.  I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I’m less me than I’ve ever been.  I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing.  I wish you were here to tell me.  It’s like I feel too much or I feel nothing at all.  I don’t know which is worse.  I’ve started to come to terms with it I guess.  Accepting those things I can not change and doing my best to work on the things I can.  I try to be the best sister, daughter and mother I can possibly be.  I’m sure I fail 100 times a day but I get a few things right too.  I’m raising some good kids over here.  I don’t hate you.  I don’t even dislike you.  I try and tell myself that you did what you did for me.  That if we stayed the way things were I was never going to let go and you were never going to be available for me.  Not the way I wanted you to be.. the way I needed you to be.  I tell myself that you knew it would hurt if you left but that you would have done more damage if you had stayed.  That you were helping me to find a way to let go.  Forcing me to accept the things you asked me to accept and I refused.  I didn’t do that on purpose.  There was always something about you that I just couldn’t let go of.  The connection we had seemed once in a lifetime.  I know that I won’t ever have what we had again with anyone else.  I just try and tell myself that I can find something just as good if not better.   I managed to find happiness.  In the most unexpected place.  He’s good to me.  Even better than you ever were, but then he loves me in a way you couldn’t.  He brought my smile back.  He reminds me that there are things about me to love and that I have to see myself how he sees me and not just let myself wallow in self disgust.  He shows me that I’m someone worth loving and someone capable of showing love in return.  I never thought it would happen but it has.  So in the end, Thank you.  Thank you for the time we had together and for the way you ripped me apart.  Thank you for forcing me to become more of the person I was meant to be even if I never thought it was the person I would become.  Thank you for leaving if you couldn’t love my back and giving me the freedom to find true love.  Thank you for everything and for nothing at all.