I don't even know what to put here right now

I wish you could understand how hard I’m trying.  I wish you could spend just one day battling the thoughts in my mind.  This doesn’t come natural for me.  It’s a decision that I have to make and be constantly aware of daily, but I do it.. and I enjoy it.  For you. I used to be the girl you want.  I used to be cuddly and emotional and clingy.  I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and enjoy playful kisses and gentle hugs.  I used to love to sit around and talk about the future and emotions and what our kids might look like.  I used to be an open book.  I used to be that girl that would sit and draw hearts and write my name with yours just to see what it looked like.  But not so long ago that was taken from me.  I gave everything I had to someone who I felt would guard it for the rest of our lives.  I invested my time, my money and my emotions and made my world around what we could share with each other.  That world came crashing down.  We’ve all experienced heart break.  I understand that. But this one was literally Earth shattering.  If I’m being completely honest with you, like I always am, it took you for me to want to love again.  I balanced everything I was as a person off of who he was and what he contributed.  When he left I was so off balance that I fell flat on my face for a very long time.  My friends started holding me up.  What a blessing my friends are because there are days I would have never even opened my eyes if they hadn’t coached and coaxed me into it.  I’ll never be able to explain this kind of heartache.  Unless it happens to you, you won’t understand.  And I’m doing everything in my power to make sure it doesn’t happen to you.  We come from different places.  Not geographically, but nature and nurture wise.  We view and feel things in completely different and sometimes opposite ways.  I’m old school in a lot of ways.  I shouldn’t “ask you on a date.” I shouldn’t be the first to call(or in this generation text) in the morning.  I shouldn’t be the one who takes the lead.  My role is one that is called to be submissive and while in a lot of ways I’m not so good at that, in a lot of ways its all I know.  Maybe my expectations are high, but I know you.  I know your heart and I know your soul and I know you’re capable of meeting those expectations if you want to.  And on some level if you want me the way you say you do, you must want to. You asked me to be your princess.  I’ve been trying very hard to embrace that.  I try and cuddle more.  I express emotions in ways I think you are more likely to receive them.  I tell you I love when you the thought crosses my mind instead of just assuming you know.  I hold your hand.  I caress your face.  I do these things for you.  They don’t come natural to me.  I have to think of your feelings and your emotions when I consciously make these choices.  And I’m not complaining. I want to do to these things for you.  I’m more than willing to make changes to see the way you look at me.  To see your smile. This is where the blog is going to become poorly written because I’m not sure how to say the rest of whats on my mind, and its exactly what I need to get out of my head to be able to move on.  Arguing is not always a bad thing.  Actually, most of the time, it’s a necessary discussion.  We can have these conversations like adults or you can continue to let things build up inside until you explode.  Knowing how much you have bottled up that explosion could very possibly lead to that heartbreak and I don’t want that.  I don’t think my request today was unreasonable.  I would think that its one you would clearly understand.  I wasn’t even asking for plans to be cancelled or for your weekends to be spent sitting in a box waiting for me.  I just want to know that I have a place.  When priority comes in My faith is first. My kiddos are second and my relationship is third.  I don’t place people in my life before you.  You have earned that right.  I just want to feel that I have earned the same.  I just want you to think.  Sometimes I think our only issue is that you don’t think about how things are going to make me feel.  Maybe its selfish to ask and I don’t do the things I do so you will do them in return but I suppose a part of me expects it. Who knows. Maybe I’m just in the wrong.  I’m pretty good at admitting when I’m wrong but this time.. I just don’t know.

What if I told you, what if I said..

I want you to know that I don’t hate you.  Honestly I feel nothing towards you at all anymore.  It took me 2 years and a lot of prayers to accept what you did to me.  And yes, I think of it as something you did TO me.  I didn’t deserve it.  I gave you my all.  My everything.  And I always would have.  That’s how I know you made the right decision.  You and I were all or nothing people.  As things changed between us we were always struggling to find a way to give each other our all.  It affected our relationship and all relationships around us.  I think you just realized before me that if we couldn’t give our all we would have to accept giving each other nothing.  I think you also realized that as long as I could reach out to you I would never take away my all.  You had to leave.  You had to set us both free from an unending cycle.  I know we both tried as hard as we could to enter some form of existence where we could just be acquaintances.  Sending the yearly happy birthday and Merry Christmas.  But every time your name came across my mind I wanted to call you.  Every time something happened in my life good or bad I wanted to share it with you.  I wasn’t going to be able to hold that back until you were no longer there.  Because of what you did I learned a lesson.  I truly am an all or nothing person.  If you can’t accept my all then I will be forced to give you nothing rather than feel like nothing because you aren’t willing to give any.  Because of you I’m about to walk away from something that means more to me than I could express with words.  I won’t be hurting them the way you hurt me because they have always given me nothing.  Interesting enough the pain is the same for me on either side of the coin.  I thank you for the wisdom you have imparted in my life and I thank God that I am finally able to feel indifference towards you.  It was great while it lasted.. a fairy tale you might say.  But at this point you have truly become somebody that I used to know.  For the last and final time(and finally in past tense).. I loved you. I wish you well.  

Sweet dreams are made of this..

I had a dream last night. I haven't been dreaming much anymore. When I first got out of the hospital I had a few dreams about food but that was just my longing for nourishment manifesting itself I'm sure. I guess in a way that's what dreams and nightmares are a manifestation of longing or fear. But that isn't what I was writing to discuss anyhow.. I'm not interested in putting that much thought into words right now. So I had a dream, one of those dreams that make you hope you can fall back asleep because you really need to see how it ends. The kind you wish were your real life. You were there. It was beautiful like it was supposed to be. Like I thought it would be. But I guess its better that I didn't fall asleep because that way it didn't have to end. A lingering memory of the potential there may be in some alternate universe somewhere. A universe where love really is all that matters. A universe where love is never unrequited. A universe I will always long to be part of.

Like two sparrows in a hurricane

To you: If by the small chance you still read this, you'll know who you are. I thought of you today. Its been quite awhile. It wasn't like it used to be. I didn't wonder where you were or what you were doing. I didn't wonder if you passed pharmacy school or if you really sold all rights to your programs. I didn't wonder if you were happy or if you'd gotten fat. I didn't wonder if your hair was perfectly in place or think about your alien fingers. I thought about the time in my life that you were part of. I've been reflecting on myself a lot lately and I finally got to that point. You were there for me in a time that no one was. For that I am immensely grateful. I think I would have fallen back into what was comfortable if you hadn't been there. I would be married to an alcoholic and miserable. I'd probably have another baby that I had hoped would change him and along with Ethan we would wonder what was so wrong with us that he didn't love us more than the bottle. I don't know if that's true or not but its the way it played out in my head. Even though you left the way you left, thank you for keeping me solid in myself when I needed to be. But what I realized most of all was that you have given me some of the most important people in my life. Because of you I have Brandon. I couldn't live my life without Brandon. He is my soul mate(funny at one point I thought it was you) You brought me Ashley. We have highs and lows and hits and misses but all in all she's one of those people that will ALWAYS be a positive contributing part of my life. She helps keep me on track the way that you used to. So you showed me that there were some needs in my life and you gave me the means to fulfill those things. And the people you brought me have also been showing me how to do this for myself. I honestly can't thank you enough for everything I got from the year we spent together. I do wish I had been there that day. I wish I had the chance to take that one look in your eyes and say our silent goodbyes. I would have loved to be able to stand there with you next to her and know that the connection we had was strong enough to understand what had to happen without words. It didn't happen that way. But in the end I guess it doesn't matter because it all fell in place exactly as it should.. we were simply two sparrows in a hurricane.. trying to find our way..