Just when you think, You've got me figured out

I’ve dusted off my place on the shelf.. I know it’s almost time to return.  It was nice to be removed if even for a brief moment after the lengths I have spent sitting there and watching the world pass by in blurs of color and emotion.  A little while ago someone seemed to place a cover over the shelf.  Time passed easier when I didn’t see what was happening in the real space of time.  I couldn’t see the laughter or the tears. I lost track of the days,  I don’t even know how long it had been before that cover was removed and the reality of life was blinding.  I wasn’t prepared for what was there, I’m not sure I would have been prepared if I would have seen it unfold. 

I’ve been lost in my own expanse of silence and darkness for the longest time.  Silence has become my best friend.  The darkness has kept the memories of life at bay.  This combination worked.  Now that I’ve been brought back into real emotion I don’t know how to handle it correctly.  Silence and darkness work together, emotions and life work against each other.  I feel nothing for fear of feeling too much. 

I let you in.  I opened myself, my fears, my emotions, my insecurities, my misgivings.. I opened everything up and let down the walls and exposed myself.  I stood there in the most vulnerable state I have ever presented upon myself and I accepted your intimacy.  Your touch, your breath, your heartbeat.. they were real.  Your truth, your presence, your livelihood pressed further into my vulnerability than I was prepared for.  For 5 hours I was perfectly content.  There was no one I would rather be and no place I would rather occupy.  I was at peace with myself and the world around me.  IT was worth it.

I knew even in that moment that the shelf was still waiting for my return.  When it comes to you and me, that’s where things always end. The timing is never right.  The feelings are always out of place or too intense.  There’s no room for what we want and what we need seems to always fall back into distance.   So I’ve dusted off my space, put the walls back and accepted the inevitable.  I would like to request the cover though.. If I’m going to sit on the outside I think I prefer not to know what I’m missing.  I’ll occupy my space until the time again comes that you need to be complete.  The missing puzzle piece if you will.. The edges are damaged, but so is the vessel.  I’ll wait for you always or at least as long as the piece still fits. 

No body was supposed to know..

I found myself doing something lately I said I would never do.  I am allowing myself to be defined in my mind by my flaws.  I blame it on the manic phases, I blame it on the inability to control overwhelming sadness.  What I need to do is take control of who I am as a person and stop letting it be a crutch to fall off of.  I’ve been handling my life this way for 13 years.  For 13 years I’ve been able to make the right decisions to prevent anyone from having to label me.  My number one mistake was telling anyone.  They didn’t need to know.  They didn’t need to be able to pass that judgment.  I am the only one who needs to be able to judge that side of me.  I am the only one who needed to know.  And now I allow myself to be upset because I shared those details.  It was guarded for a reason.  I fell apart and I could have lied.  I could have kept everyone on the other side of the wall.  Now I question every interaction.  I question every bit of support and ever silence as a judgment for what they know. Why did I let them know? I thought for a minute that these were going to be people I spent the rest of my life with.  That the deserved to be a part of everything.  I was wrong.. I turned them into people I will never trust, because I can’t trust that part of myself.