Just when I thought that everything was starting to make sense.. I have had some bad days lately. Everything has a way of reminding me of you somehow. And I guess I've regressed because thinking of you makes me happy again. I don't have hope that you'll be back someday. I used to believe I would hear from you again.. maybe in 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. But I know that you would never let me be right. After that final conversation.. you'd never let me be right.
I've been focusing on a lot of the lessons you taught me. While it broke my heart that you weren't there for me when my Mammaw passed.. you taught me something I needed to know to get over it. I can't worry about what I should have done, things I should have changed.. how I could have made it better or how she may have felt differently if I had been different.. because she's gone. She doesn't think anything of me anymore. The memories are all I have..
I guess thats how I should feel about you. It doesn't matter if I love you. It doesn't matter if I can't picture myself with anyone besides you. It doesn't matter that every time I hear that song I wish you were calling. That I just want to be able to say good bye. That just want you to know I'll always be there. That I just want to know that you're happy. That you don't regret your choices.. that you didn't get sad and depressed and fat... It doesn't matter because you're gone. You don't feel anything anymore. At least not in this context.
I know it sounds really sad and depressing. It would be easy to feel sorry for me the way I seem. But really, I'm ok. I'm slowly learning to accept things the way they are. To accept myself with who I am. To accept the people in my life who do love and haven't run away. To resolve the fact that while I do truly believe you loved me.. you did run away. To know that I already have the most amazing little man in my life and I don't need any others. That I have found the love of my life, eventhough its not what it sounds and is completely unconventional. I can make it. I'm proud of the resolutions I've made and the determination I've found. I'm proud that I've found a way to work towards being that version of me.. only without you. I have made it so far.. but that doesn't mean I can't have a bad day..
Sunday, September 23, 2012
I heard, that you've settled down.
I hear about you now and then. People who have seen you in passing. People who have heard from other people. People ask me about you all the time. I'm not sure what hurts more: That I have to tell them that I haven't heard from you since April, or the look of pity I get after I tell them. I hear you have a new plan for your life. One that takes you in a completely different direction. At least I hear you're doing well. That you're happy. Even if I am told your eyes betray your words. You always did tell me to look deeper and never trust your words. I would take a minute to be sad, but then I may never get back out of it. See, I spent three months like that. Sad that you left me. Sad that you wanted to leave me behind. Sad that you were running from me. But, truth be told, I never had you. You didn't have enough emotion towards me to be concerned if I'm left behind. You didn't care enough about me to run. I'm inconsequential. Always was. I can't take anymore time to mourn something that was never real. Theres nothing more to figure out. You're gone. And while to me you're someone that I used to know, To you.. I'm no one at all.
The rest is stll unwritten
For some reason I've been really focused on unwritten stories lately.. The ones that you hold in your hear and you wish for, but they never come to fruition.
I watch all these shows where all of these really messed up people have these really messed up relationships but they always bounce back. They bounce back because its written that way. What if I could rewrite the story.
If I could rewrite the story and bring you back.. would it even be worth taking you back under the circumstances? Are you even the same person? See there was this guy I fell in love with, and I miss him. To this day my heart is waiting for the rest of that story to be written. I can't accept that all of these blank pages will always be blank.
I miss you. I miss the way that every hair was always in place. And that even if I braided it or twister it into little knots you would just run your fingers through it and it would be perfect again. I miss you fingers... they were so mishapen and to me they looked like alien fingers.. I miss you smile and teasing you about bleaching your teeth. I miss the way you would wrinkle your nose when you said somethng funny and you were waiting for me to laugh. I miss the way you would poke at me until I laughed if I didn't in the first place. I miss the way you would randomly burst into song. You couldn't carry a tune but the song was always beautiful to me. I miss the way you were constantly looking at yourself in the mirror but refused to have your picture taken. I have so many pictures of those alien fingers in front of your face. Yes I miss the way you made me feel when we were together. And I miss the person I wasn when you were here, but mostly, I miss you.
If I could write the story I like to think you never would have left.. but then again I wouldn't know how much I really loved you. I spent out entire friendship wishing it was more. Wishing I could make it what I wanted it to be. I've spent the 6 months since you left realizing how great everything was, just the way it was. I wish and pray every night that I could just pick up a pen and writing a different ending.. write a story without an ending. But every day I also have to have the Earth shattering revelation that this too is a story that will always remain unwritten..
I watch all these shows where all of these really messed up people have these really messed up relationships but they always bounce back. They bounce back because its written that way. What if I could rewrite the story.
If I could rewrite the story and bring you back.. would it even be worth taking you back under the circumstances? Are you even the same person? See there was this guy I fell in love with, and I miss him. To this day my heart is waiting for the rest of that story to be written. I can't accept that all of these blank pages will always be blank.
I miss you. I miss the way that every hair was always in place. And that even if I braided it or twister it into little knots you would just run your fingers through it and it would be perfect again. I miss you fingers... they were so mishapen and to me they looked like alien fingers.. I miss you smile and teasing you about bleaching your teeth. I miss the way you would wrinkle your nose when you said somethng funny and you were waiting for me to laugh. I miss the way you would poke at me until I laughed if I didn't in the first place. I miss the way you would randomly burst into song. You couldn't carry a tune but the song was always beautiful to me. I miss the way you were constantly looking at yourself in the mirror but refused to have your picture taken. I have so many pictures of those alien fingers in front of your face. Yes I miss the way you made me feel when we were together. And I miss the person I wasn when you were here, but mostly, I miss you.
If I could write the story I like to think you never would have left.. but then again I wouldn't know how much I really loved you. I spent out entire friendship wishing it was more. Wishing I could make it what I wanted it to be. I've spent the 6 months since you left realizing how great everything was, just the way it was. I wish and pray every night that I could just pick up a pen and writing a different ending.. write a story without an ending. But every day I also have to have the Earth shattering revelation that this too is a story that will always remain unwritten..
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