What a Beautiful Mess

I may not be the prettiest or the thinnest.  I can’t, I can’t dance.  I’m not an artist or a writer.  I have no super powers.  But right or wrong, I can only be who I am.  I’ve struggled with that a lot in the last 5 years.  At 25 I realized I was becoming the worst parts of my parents.  Ok, I didn’t realize, it was pointed out to me, and not in the kindest of ways.  I did, however, know immediately it was something I was going to change.  I figure by 25 most people are already self defined.  I went from one extreme to another extreme.  I let someone else define me.  I tried to be exactly who I was told to be and not to venture too far from that comfort zone because it was easier.  I think for a long time I had myself convinced that this was the better person inside of me and I just needed help finding it.  It wasn’t until the Awaken Retreat that I realized I hadn’t really been me since I was about 20 years old.  That’s 10 years of an identity crisis that I didn’t even know I had.

                So here I sit at 30 just now figuring out who I am. Or trying to anyways.  I know I’m a good mom, sister, daughter and friend.  But none of those things are just me.  I have built my life around who I need to be for other people and never taken the time to figure out who I need to be for me.  And now its almost uncomfortable to think about.  Its like I’ve told myself that if I do something or take time for myself I am taking away from those people that are the most important in my life and I can’t bear the thought of that.  I’ve let those relationships and those people become the source of my happiness and I can’t keep allowing that.  My best friend asked me the other day if I depended on him for my happiness and I told him no.  But maybe what I should have said is not just you.  I’ve never really taken the time to just be happy being me instead of being me in the roles that I feel.

                I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and dedicated time to figuring out who it is that I want to be.  I haven’t ultimately decided that yet but I think I’ve taken a lot of steps to justify for myself why its necessary.  And to understand why its not necessary to justify taking care of myself.  I can’t truly be the person I need to be for the people in my life if I’m not first taking care of me.  So… I’m a work in progress.  But I have ultimately decided that while I’m a mess, I sure am a beautiful mess.  But I also believe as I go through this process I will reduce the chaos more and more. Lets focus on the beautiful.