Signed Sober You

It has been a least a year since I put that last letter in the mail. I don't even know if you get them. I know the address is correct and I put the c/o line and everything but that doesn't mean they still live there. And if they do live there that doesn't mean the letter was ever given to you. Part of me likes to think that's the case since you never did reach out but I'm sure either way you wouldn't have.. pride does that for/to people. I figure I have just as good of a chance of you reading it here. And this way I can stop and say maybe I'm severing another part of that connection.. and that's necessary. I miss your crazy alien fingers and your always perfect hair. I miss the way I felt when you were with me.. I miss the love I felt from both of us. I hold tight to everything you taught me.. even in your leaving. B is good. He had his wisdom teeth out recently and I didn't even get any good video's. He says that its still pretty sore but that he's hanging in there. He still lives at the house with Mom and Memaw and is working at AT&T. He's become a little more reclusive than he's been in the past but as long as he's happy, I'm happy. He does still make time for me to come over so we can hang out. I spend a lot of time with his mom. She's become one of my best friends and gives me a mom I know will love me just like my own. He's been doing keto off and on and has lost some weight. He still plays WOW and is still a Panda character. He's an amazing uncle and Zoey is a great little girl. He tells stories all the time that put me in such awe of him and the way he can open up and love so selflessly. I'm not sure why, I have seen it in him the way he is with family and even Ethan but its different with Zoey. Anyhow, he's good. I don't really know anything about Smash that I didn't tell you last time. She still lives in Wisconsin and we don't really hear from her. The girls are doing great. Cheyenne graduated in Dec 18 and Morgan graduates in April 19 and they both have jobs as nurses. Morgan works at Covenant on the SICU, which is perfect for her personality type and life goals. She wants to be a CRNA but has to go through so much ICU training before she can. She lives with her boyfriend. He seems like a good guy. He doesn't have much to say but when he does open up it comes from a genuine place. She has a dog named Colt who she loves way too much. Cheyenne is working on a behavioral health floor and she likes it. She's the only RN there overnight so she's pretty important. Carter is 3 now and has started the 3 year old program and school and he's doing a great job. He still looks just like Cheyenne and is a total momma's boy, even though she said he would never be like Ethan... Cheyenne also had Madelynn on Ethan's 12 birthday. We knew he would either be excited or pissed off, thank goodness he was excited. She's almost 9 months old now and she is the pudgiest, sweetest little lady. Cheyenne is still married to Dalton and I suppose they are doing well. I still love those girls with everything in me and am so very proud of the women they have become and are continuing to grow into. E is amazing. He is almost 13 and is in the 7th grade now. He took his first girl to a dance last year and I handled it much better than anyone thought I would. We haven't quite hit puberty yet and so he still thinks I'm pretty cool. I'm going to hold onto that for as long as I can. Sometimes I start to get annoyed because its hot and he wants to sit on me or I'm busy and he wants to hold my hand but I try to always stop and realize he isn't going to want to do these things forever and I stop what I'm doing for this little miracle I created. He still has some stomach issues. He takes a heartburn pill daily and it seems to help. He's also started to wash his face and wear deodorant and all that other manly stuff. I'm just wondering when the growth spurt is coming because he's only about 5 foot tall but he wears a size 9 men's show so I know there is additional height in there somewhere. He still struggles some with reading and writing but has really taken off in math and social studies. He is accelerated for both of those classes and is passing with A's and high B's. The only thing we didn't do well on was Spanish this last 9 weeks. I'm just super proud he is already taking Spanish because he knew he would need it on his transcript. The only reason he didn't do well is he missed a test and then never got to make it up. He really does mostly try in school. He's still pretty addicted to video games and such but I can get him to go outside and do other things as well. He still looks just like Thomas but he acts just like me. I guess that just leaves me. I'm ok. I am still working on my prerequisites for nursing school. I'm taking A&P this semester and its driving me insane. I mean I have a good grade in there now but we have big tests coming up this week and well.. you know me. But I am taking tomorrow off to get some high quality studying in. I really enjoy being back in school. When it's not too overwhelming I even enjoy the homework. It gives me a sense of accomplishment and shows a clear path to my goals. Its just also easy to be afraid to fail. I was doing homework but then you crossed my mind and I decided I would write to you since it had been so long. I think you came along because my birthday is coming up and I was remembering how epic my 30th birthday was and how is was all completely because of you. I should probably go to bed but I'm also not tired. I keep wanting to see the Facebook message indicator go off on my phone. I've been waiting for this one message for awhile now but last night I had a friend who brought it all back to the forefront of my mind right now. I know you're fine. You always were. Nothing was every going to keep you down or dull your shine. I'm over wanting you back... but I also don't worry because I know you're fine. Kenny is fine. I think we've found a way to remain friends in a strong sense but its 100% because of me. But that's ok because he gives back at least 30% when I try. LOL Nah we have figured out the role we play in each other's lives and that's all its gonna be. But I don't worry because I know he's fine. There's just this one person.. I just wish he'd shoot me a quick message that hes good.. but I don't get to ask that so I sit and wait. Oh! I did get the news a few weeks ago that I am cancer free. The radioactive iodine apparently did what it was supposed to do and all the way to the margins I am clear I still have to go see Dr. Lum to get my meds all worked out but no more cancer doctor for me! At least not in my near future God willing. I'm also trying to get more active at church. I am going to a classs on Thursdays called The Heart of the Matter. Hopefully I can release some of the pain in my life. Well, that's all of us. I really wish you would reach out and tell me your life story as well. Maybe this year you will.