And With a Broken Wing, She Still Sings...

I feel like a 15 year old girl. Like somewhere in the last few months I have lost 20 years worth of maturity and rationale.. When we broke up I was a mess. For weeks. I cried and cried until I ran out of tears. I beat myself up over the decision that I made, I think I even tried to take it back once or twice but you wouldn't let me. I was devastated. My entire world collapsed. And you weren't even remotely concerned. You continued with your life and played your video games like we never even existed. There were no tears for you. Nothing collapsed, nothing broke, nothing happened. At least not as far as I know. When she broke up with you, I held you while you shattered. I wrapped my arms around you and felt your tears on my cheek. I comforted you while sobs shook your body. For the first time when I looked in your eyes I saw a broken heart. I saw hurt. I saw pain. And all I wanted in that moment was to take it away from you. I was broken a long time ago. I never wanted that for you. I wanted to put the pieces back together. I wanted to fill all of the gaps with my love and make you whole and complete again. But I forgot a very important piece of information, when you truly give yourself to someone, they take parts of you with them when they go... She hurt you. And that kills me. She took parts that it wasn't fair for her to take. She took your trust. You were always so trusting before. You knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had your back and would never betray you. You never took that for granted, but you never doubted it either. She took your peace. You had made peace with a lot of things in your life that I never could have handled. You were settled down to your core with acceptance for everything that happened around you, everything that happened to you. And that peace was unbalanced. She took your heart for romance. You were always doing and saying the sweetest things, and I'm sorry I didn't appreciate it at the time. But you had the soul of a poet.. and she stole the song. I realized those are things I couldn't give back to you. That you would never be the same. But I was more than willing and capable of falling in the love with this new you. Because you're my guy. I would do anything for you. But what you needed from me wasn't that kind of love. You told me you wanted me, but that we couldn't be together because you didn't see a future with me. I think that may have broken my heart more than any words I've ever heard. More than when my mother was in the accident. More than when I lost my grandparents. More than when I failed at marriage. More than when my parents told me they were getting divorced. More than.... Nick. That's a pain I've carried with me since the words came out of your mouth and I struggle every day to deal with it. To accept it. To let it go. But I can't seem to give up hope. You told me that before you saw a life with me. A future and a love and that you didn't see that anymore. For the longest time I felt like she stole that too.. but if it was ever real she couldn't have changed it. Only we could have. You or me. Maybe I did it. I've changed so much as a person in the last few years. Maybe I'm not the kind of girl you can love anymore. No, that's not true because I know you love me and you always will. But maybe I'm not the kind of girl you will fall in love with again. Maybe I never was, but I like to think I showed you something about love. And happiness. And truth. And peace. And romance. And balance. I like to think I did. You showed me all those things, and more. You help me to love myself. You showed me I was worth it.. for a little while anyways.. I know the best thing I can do for you is to let all of this go. Be the friend that you need and put this behind me. And if its meant to be then someday it will all resurface, but I think I'm supposed to bury it. For now. And all I ever wanted was to be what's best for you. I have that chance again and I won't throw it away like I did that December. I love you, more than anything. With my entire heart and soul. With my everything. And since I won't be able to tell you that anymore. I hope you never forget it.