Dearest Nick

Dearest Nick,   You’ve been on my mind a lot recently, it makes me wonder if we ever cross yours.  I wonder if you still wear the bracelet I gave you.  If you remember that you’re greater than anything that comes your way.   My hands are literally shaking as I type this..    Ashely and Jacob broke up.  We were all pretty surprised about that.  It turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to her because she met Dylan.  Ashley and Dylan are perfect for each other.  You can’t even imagine who they would be if they weren’t together.  They got married this past year and it was beautiful.  She was beautiful.  She’s been doing great.  Crazy thing, she left Convergys.  She’s the only one of us to get out since you left.  She’s working as an office manager at some horse place.  I know that sounds weird but its like an animal sanctuary or something.  She got stepped on by a horse the other day and has as horrible bruise on her foot.  She’s also been working on bettering herself for a long time now.  She looks really good.  She runs and rides her bike and eats well.  She flew off the bike the other day and has another bruise on her knee so right now she’s in recovery mode, but she’s ready to get back at it.  They haven’t had any babies yet but they got a dog.  Her name is Quinn.  She’s been sick lately so it would be great if you could send her warm thoughts.  I know you cared about animals.  I guess a lot has changed since I started writing this letter.  Ashley and Dylan broke up.  I think she’s ok.  She seems to be getting back in touch with herself and her friends.  That’s always a good place to start.  We aren’t close like we used to be though.  We haven’t been since you left.  I would say that’s just something else you took from me but I guess really it was mine to maintain.  I don’t know if I pulled away because she reminded me of you, or because the only version of me she knew was one that was with you.  Or if we just naturally grew apart how people do.  Either way I don’t know much else to update you on.  I love her still and I think she knows that.   Brandon has been well.  He’s been Brandon anyways.  He’s still everyone’s favorite and we love him more than ever.  He’s been through some things medically lately that had us concerned but overall the Dr has been able to take care of it.  He’s still just out having fun.  He has as niece now.  He’s very proud of her.  Her name is Zoey and she’s 18 months old.  She looks like Brandon.  He comes in with another story about her every day.  I still can’t convince him to have a baby but he’s very proud of the one he has.  He hasn’t had any serious relationships or anything.   He’s always out for the next new thing.  But we wouldn’t expect anything else from B, ya know.  He’s been having a hard time lately because his sister moved out and took Zoey away.  He hasn’t seen her in weeks and its really taking a toll on him.  I don’t think he realized that he could become that attached to a little person.  Its been hard on mom and memaw which means its been hard on him.  I hope they find a resolution.  He still has the same happy go lucky attitude until he gets alone at night.  He posts some things that make me sad that I can’t help him, but I guess if I’m honest we aren’t the same as we once we either.  I can’t blame you for that.  We were still great after you left but it feels like time has come between us.  We haven’t had a meal together in months and we used to eat together 3 times a week.  We don’t make the time.  I’m sure we both have excuses but that’s all they’d be.  I should work on that.  He’s definitely one worth keeping.    We talk about you sometimes.  If I’m honest it’s probably not the nicest of conversations most of the time.  You did kinda bail on us.  You hurt me more than anyone ever has and that’s hard for him to handle because he’s the best friend in the world.  He tries to help me get you out of my mind and move on but I’m honestly not even sure that’s what I want.  Although it hurts to remember I think it would hurt more to forget.  He tells me I deserve better.  I probably do.    Ethan is doing well.  He’s 8 years old now and he’s an amazing little boy.  We found out he was dyslexic last year.  We had some concerns when he was younger but they wouldn’t let us test him until 2 grade.  He’s doing really well with his special teacher.  He’s finally growing and isn’t the smallest kid in his class anymore.  We’ve had some issues this year with his behavior.  He called his teacher Ms. Sassypants.  And there have been other issues but some kids were picking on him.  We had to teach him that even though the teachers will call everyone your friend, everyone is not your friend and you don’t have to treat them as such.  Not to be rude to them but that he doesn’t have to be their friend either.  It was a hard lesson to teach but I think it was necessary because its resolved the issue and his behavior has gotten better.  His grades on the other hand have not really.  Its hard for me because the girls always had it so easy in school and we never had to really study or work on it  And he does.. But we are adjusting.  Cheyenne is pregnant.  She’s 4 months along.  She isn’t showing at all really.  We found out it was a boy a few weeks ago so we are excited about that.  She has been doing well in school and makes the Dean’s List every semester even though she complains about it non stop.  She’s working at Convergys with me now and even though she complains about that too she does well here.  People feel like they’ve seen her grow up so its like she fit right into the family.  She has decided with school that maybe she doesn’t want to be a Dr anymore and is considering nursing.  She’s doing well and I’m really proud of her. Morgan is a Senior this year.  She’s been doing great as always.  She has really found out who she is as a person and has been embracing it this year more than she ever has.  She quit basketball.  That’s a long story and I won’t go into it but basically they took a game she loved with all her heart and turned it into something she despised.  Something that made her feel bad about herself.  It was hard for me not to get more involved in that one but I let dad take the lead and that’s what came of it.  I don’t know if she’ll play this summer or not.  She also wants to go into nursing and eventually become a nurse practitioner.  She got a pig for Christmas.  I don’t know what she plans to do after she graduates, but we’d love to have her here at CVG. I guess that leaves me… My grandmother passed away in April right after you left.  I tried to tell you but you didn’t answer me.  That was the first big loss of my life and I had to deal with it alone.  I don’t blame you anymore for that… I couldn’t really depend on my sisters or the cousins.. I’m the oldest, its my job to keep them together.  It wasn’t easy and sometimes we still struggle with it but we made it through.  We lost my grandpa on February 5th this year.  This one was expected and a little easier to handle.  It was hard watching him those last few days.  He was in the cancer wing of the hospital and we all came together as a family and sat and cried and held hands.  He was ready to go and sadly we were ready to let go because he was hurting so badly.  He gave his car to Ronnie.  Ronnie worked for my grandpa for years and years.  I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t there.  I guess that was good.  I almost died.  I was in the hospital for 2 months and I asked for you daily but no one was able to reach you.  We aren’t sure what was wrong.  I got sick and started throwing up and I just couldn’t stop.  They finally sent me home and said there was nothing else they could do.  It was a terrible feeling.  I couldn’t nourish myself and I was so sick I honestly felt like I was dying.  Then it just went away.  Just like it came, out of nowhere it was gone.  It took me a little while to build up my strength again.  I’ll never be the same person I was before that happened.   I don’t have the emotional range I had before then.  I don’t care for things the same way.  I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I’m less me than I’ve ever been.  I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or a good thing.  I wish you were here to tell me.  It’s like I feel too much or I feel nothing at all.  I don’t know which is worse.  I’ve started to come to terms with it I guess.  Accepting those things I can not change and doing my best to work on the things I can.  I try to be the best sister, daughter and mother I can possibly be.  I’m sure I fail 100 times a day but I get a few things right too.  I’m raising some good kids over here.  I don’t hate you.  I don’t even dislike you.  I try and tell myself that you did what you did for me.  That if we stayed the way things were I was never going to let go and you were never going to be available for me.  Not the way I wanted you to be.. the way I needed you to be.  I tell myself that you knew it would hurt if you left but that you would have done more damage if you had stayed.  That you were helping me to find a way to let go.  Forcing me to accept the things you asked me to accept and I refused.  I didn’t do that on purpose.  There was always something about you that I just couldn’t let go of.  The connection we had seemed once in a lifetime.  I know that I won’t ever have what we had again with anyone else.  I just try and tell myself that I can find something just as good if not better.   I managed to find happiness.  In the most unexpected place.  He’s good to me.  Even better than you ever were, but then he loves me in a way you couldn’t.  He brought my smile back.  He reminds me that there are things about me to love and that I have to see myself how he sees me and not just let myself wallow in self disgust.  He shows me that I’m someone worth loving and someone capable of showing love in return.  I never thought it would happen but it has.  So in the end, Thank you.  Thank you for the time we had together and for the way you ripped me apart.  Thank you for forcing me to become more of the person I was meant to be even if I never thought it was the person I would become.  Thank you for leaving if you couldn’t love my back and giving me the freedom to find true love.  Thank you for everything and for nothing at all.