Sweet dreams are made of this..

I had a dream last night. I haven't been dreaming much anymore. When I first got out of the hospital I had a few dreams about food but that was just my longing for nourishment manifesting itself I'm sure. I guess in a way that's what dreams and nightmares are a manifestation of longing or fear. But that isn't what I was writing to discuss anyhow.. I'm not interested in putting that much thought into words right now. So I had a dream, one of those dreams that make you hope you can fall back asleep because you really need to see how it ends. The kind you wish were your real life. You were there. It was beautiful like it was supposed to be. Like I thought it would be. But I guess its better that I didn't fall asleep because that way it didn't have to end. A lingering memory of the potential there may be in some alternate universe somewhere. A universe where love really is all that matters. A universe where love is never unrequited. A universe I will always long to be part of.

Like two sparrows in a hurricane

To you: If by the small chance you still read this, you'll know who you are. I thought of you today. Its been quite awhile. It wasn't like it used to be. I didn't wonder where you were or what you were doing. I didn't wonder if you passed pharmacy school or if you really sold all rights to your programs. I didn't wonder if you were happy or if you'd gotten fat. I didn't wonder if your hair was perfectly in place or think about your alien fingers. I thought about the time in my life that you were part of. I've been reflecting on myself a lot lately and I finally got to that point. You were there for me in a time that no one was. For that I am immensely grateful. I think I would have fallen back into what was comfortable if you hadn't been there. I would be married to an alcoholic and miserable. I'd probably have another baby that I had hoped would change him and along with Ethan we would wonder what was so wrong with us that he didn't love us more than the bottle. I don't know if that's true or not but its the way it played out in my head. Even though you left the way you left, thank you for keeping me solid in myself when I needed to be. But what I realized most of all was that you have given me some of the most important people in my life. Because of you I have Brandon. I couldn't live my life without Brandon. He is my soul mate(funny at one point I thought it was you) You brought me Ashley. We have highs and lows and hits and misses but all in all she's one of those people that will ALWAYS be a positive contributing part of my life. She helps keep me on track the way that you used to. So you showed me that there were some needs in my life and you gave me the means to fulfill those things. And the people you brought me have also been showing me how to do this for myself. I honestly can't thank you enough for everything I got from the year we spent together. I do wish I had been there that day. I wish I had the chance to take that one look in your eyes and say our silent goodbyes. I would have loved to be able to stand there with you next to her and know that the connection we had was strong enough to understand what had to happen without words. It didn't happen that way. But in the end I guess it doesn't matter because it all fell in place exactly as it should.. we were simply two sparrows in a hurricane.. trying to find our way..