I didn't drive down the street on purpose. I was in a hurry on the way to work, I had to make a quick trip and I ended up on the street without even realizing it. I never would have turned there if I would have known what I was doing. I was already running 32 minutes late and I just wanted to get to work before I was any later. I just wanted to have a good day. I needed to have a good day.. but then I ended up on that street. I didn't even realize it until I came up on the house. I willed myself to look away, to just keep going like it wasn' there. There was no point in looking over there because it didn't matter what I saw. It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't provide clues or closure or comfort. It would only foreshadow the day. The "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day."
I know more than I wanted to. I'm sure that you've fallen into a patter now, a routine that suits your needs better than I ever did. A new life where I don't exist. A new life where we were never anything, so easy for you. But I do hope you're happy. After everything, I still hope you're happy. Maybe I should hope youre miserable.. you always said you wanted to be miserable..
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Somebody That I Used To Know
These are the things I know..
I'm sad.
The last person I loved quit his job so that he would be able to disappear from my life. I would have done anything for him. Sadly I still would.
The one before that had to drink himself into obliteration every night just to handle being with me. He told me he only stayed as long as he did because if I raised my son on my own he would be an asshole.
My son's father, the one man who thought I hung the moon, the one who wanted me to be his princess, I I believe I never truly loved. Not like I should have.
The fist person I would have ever called my best friend told me that I was broken. The only reason people are ever attracted to me is because they want to fix me and that whenever they realize that I can't be fixed, they will move on. As quickly as they can.
The only other best friend I ever had showed me daily how important and special I was. How much I meant to him and how valuable we were to each others lives. I couldn't let that be enough and I pushed him.. making her right.
I was created as being to express and receive love. Although I can't seem to do the first correctly or deserve the second.
The harder I strive to be better, the farther I come from the path of sanity. Of understanding.
I know everything I need to do. I know that I have to forget the past to move into the future. That I have to love myself in order to love or be loved. That I have to be good enough for myself to be good enough for anyone else. That I will only be the mother, sister, daughter and friend I am supposed to be if I first become the version of myself I am meant to be.
These things I do know.
This is what I don't know.. Who I am. If I take anything from the things I do know on the path to figure out this answer, if I were to make an educated guess, I'm no one worth knowing. So why try any harder? I'm stuck and I don't know how to move. So many people need me. They depend on me, they rely on me.. and I don't even know who I am..
People lately have tried to tell me who I am to alleviate the confusion.
They say:
I'm attractive. But in all honesty I'm 50 pounds overweight and still have the complextion of a teenager.
I'm caring and compassionate. But in all honestly, I'm selfish and fake. I only care about most in the capacity that they lend to my own personal success. If its not relevant to me, its not relevant.
I'm strong and independant. But in all honestly I'm terrified and have only ever defined myself by those who need me in their lives. My only real friendships have existed our of mutual need, when the need is over, so is the friendship.
Don't get me wrong, I believe my greatest character flaw is in fact being caring and compassionate. When I do find someone to let into my life that I can open up to and love, I go over board. I probably care and love too much, too fast. I push them away too.
Last night someone finally said something valid. Something that rings of truth. If I don't like who I am or the circumstances I make for my life, I should change them. But where to start, if I don't know who I am in the first place..
I'm sad.
The last person I loved quit his job so that he would be able to disappear from my life. I would have done anything for him. Sadly I still would.
The one before that had to drink himself into obliteration every night just to handle being with me. He told me he only stayed as long as he did because if I raised my son on my own he would be an asshole.
My son's father, the one man who thought I hung the moon, the one who wanted me to be his princess, I I believe I never truly loved. Not like I should have.
The fist person I would have ever called my best friend told me that I was broken. The only reason people are ever attracted to me is because they want to fix me and that whenever they realize that I can't be fixed, they will move on. As quickly as they can.
The only other best friend I ever had showed me daily how important and special I was. How much I meant to him and how valuable we were to each others lives. I couldn't let that be enough and I pushed him.. making her right.
I was created as being to express and receive love. Although I can't seem to do the first correctly or deserve the second.
The harder I strive to be better, the farther I come from the path of sanity. Of understanding.
I know everything I need to do. I know that I have to forget the past to move into the future. That I have to love myself in order to love or be loved. That I have to be good enough for myself to be good enough for anyone else. That I will only be the mother, sister, daughter and friend I am supposed to be if I first become the version of myself I am meant to be.
These things I do know.
This is what I don't know.. Who I am. If I take anything from the things I do know on the path to figure out this answer, if I were to make an educated guess, I'm no one worth knowing. So why try any harder? I'm stuck and I don't know how to move. So many people need me. They depend on me, they rely on me.. and I don't even know who I am..
People lately have tried to tell me who I am to alleviate the confusion.
They say:
I'm attractive. But in all honesty I'm 50 pounds overweight and still have the complextion of a teenager.
I'm caring and compassionate. But in all honestly, I'm selfish and fake. I only care about most in the capacity that they lend to my own personal success. If its not relevant to me, its not relevant.
I'm strong and independant. But in all honestly I'm terrified and have only ever defined myself by those who need me in their lives. My only real friendships have existed our of mutual need, when the need is over, so is the friendship.
Don't get me wrong, I believe my greatest character flaw is in fact being caring and compassionate. When I do find someone to let into my life that I can open up to and love, I go over board. I probably care and love too much, too fast. I push them away too.
Last night someone finally said something valid. Something that rings of truth. If I don't like who I am or the circumstances I make for my life, I should change them. But where to start, if I don't know who I am in the first place..
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